Nothing could have been more appropriate for this alcoholic than the subject of the meeting today. Two of them actually and they tied together perfectly. Resentments and acceptance.
One of the things I know about myself is that resentments are the number one offender. And acceptance is the answer. A spiritual solution to my faults.
When I was a few years sober and working that Ninth Step I had a spiritual awakening. All of the resentments of a lifetime vanished. I had, as the BB states, stopped fighting everyone and everything. Sanity had been restored. I was freed of the bondage of alcohol. What a miracle. All the old stuff was gone. I cannot remember any of them, especially the really long lifetime judgement I had made of those who had in one way or another struck my nerves. Gone forever.
However, I still have all my faults. And anger and resentment are at the top of the list. The worst part of this is that it’s not always personal. No wonder my sponsor told me not to read a newspaper, listen to or watch the news. He told me that that was for normal people and that I wasn’t normal. How right he was. I have to be very careful, because if someone “offends” my judgment they’re right there on the list. Have to be careful.
Of course there are all the close and personal resentments. I could list what it is that gets to me, but it’s enough to say that I have to watch my step. I slip up and trip up on occasions. Need to be aware and listen to others. If I do, I need to share it with another alcoholic as soon as possible. Then I need to take the next step.
That step, of course, is to learn to accept that I’m in the wrong. As usual it means that I have to pray and surrender to my Higher Power and ask for help. Sometimes to make amends, if I’ve hurt someone, as a result of my misjudgment. And that means my self righteous anger. I can’t afford to go there.
Over the years I have seen the result of sober alcoholics, who hung on to resentments. Not good. I’ve seen some of them die as a result. I know that would be me, if I don’t take care. The BB is right in its discussion of just how dangerous these resentments can be. No question in my mind.
That’s why I always try to rely on the spiritual axiom in the Tenth Step. Whenever I’m disturbed there’s something wrong with me. I always try to bring that to bear, whenever I find myself stumbling into a place I don’t belong. I can always find out what’s wrong with me, if I will take the time to examine what I’m doing.
Once again, acceptance brings me down to ground. In other words it’s humbling to follow through on this process. Cuts me down to size. My ego, that false pride, which wants to dominate the situation.
I could go on, but this is enough for now. The meeting today made me grateful for this program and all I’m learning in here from those, who like myself know all about this character defect. If I want to stay sober I have to listen and learn. And share. And it is all about sobriety.