Fear. Now there’s a word, which used to scare me to death. I came into this program, like so many, scared at what was happening to me. In despair, a dark pit, because alcohol was driving me insane and I wanted to end my life.
What happened, as I have said so often, was that I was given hope. What a gift. Not just sobriety but hope. Hope that I could get sober. Hope that this program would work for me, as it had in the lives of those people at my very first meeting.
And what happened, because I had just enough sanity left to be able to hear what those old timers said to me, I decided to come back and keep on coming. To go to meetings and somehow begin to listen. Took time, but I stuck with it and kept coming. That’s what pain and desperation did for me. Hope and following directions. But still in fear.
I scan back to those early days and think of the paranoia, which plagued me in the beginning. Afraid to drink the coffee, because I was afraid I would spill it, because I thought everyone was looking at me. If I saw a few people standing together and talking I was sure they were talking about me. Worse still was when they laughed. In the beginning it was all about me.
And what changed all of that was the Second Step. Something I was trying to avoid. The spiritual life I didn’t want. What was I afraid of? Change. Surrender. Pain. Wasn’t it enough that I had given up alcohol? Now the program wanted more from me. To come to believe in a Power greater than myself. And guess what? I finally did what I was told. I came to believe.
Why am I thinking about this? Because someone expressed fear today. A friend of mine, who is caught up in a change in her life. Been there done that, just like what she is going through. And just what is my experience in all of this? That’s a good question. What we all need to do, to go back and look at our experiences, when we are faced with doubt.
That’s where faith comes in. Not just belief, but faith in what my Higher Power has done for me in my life. First of all my Higher Power, the God of my understanding, stopped me from drinking. In all those years out there I could not stop. But a sincere request I made to God ended all those savage years out there. I believe He brought me to this program and opened the door to a new way of life for me. That and other changes, which showed me a way to live life, of which I was totally ignorant. Hadn’t a clue.
The Twelve Steps opened more doors until I finally knew I had been restored to sanity. The spiritual awakening. The same thing that happened to that young man in There Is A Solution. He had a spiritual experience and never drank again. He was the one, who brought the message of that experience to Ebby, and Ebby to Bill, and Bill to Dr. Bob. And that message is still being carried by everyone, who ever heard that message and got sober.
I’m talking about faith now. The fulfillment of that hope. That’s my experience and the experience of so many others. And it’s looking at my experiences over time that builds my faith, my confidence in my Higher Power, that no matter what He will take care of me, no matter what my doubts are. I have no idea about what’s down the road.
I have no idea of what God’s will is for me. I just have to trust. And experience has shown me that I should trust. It doesn’t mean that I’m always going to get what I want. What I think I should have. But like it has been said before, I will get what I need. And as that one woman said, I don’t always get what I want, but I always get what I need. And, when I get what I need it’s what I wanted all along. I can’t help but agree.
The answer, as I have found out, to fear, is complete surrender. Not always an easy job. But what is necessary for me. Like we’re told, Let Go and Let God.
This is a note of gratitude for all I have been given.