Sometimes I have to stop and ask myself the same old questions I’ve asked myself before. I’m not sure what I’ve thought before, because I rarely go back. Whatever it is it’s today. Not back whenever nor off in the future. It’s now.
And the question I asked myself today is what is the maintenance of my spiritual condition? Because that’s what my sobriety is based on. I have to ask myself questions like this, because I never want to go back to where I came from. I know I’m not cured, but have the results of being restored to sanity today. The spiritual awakening.
Now, how did that spiritual awakening come about? One thing I do know is that it was surrender to my disease, which began all of this, my getting sober. And that was the moment I begged God to stop me from drinking. And that’s exactly what happened. This after years and years of finding myself helpless and hopeless in the face of alcohol. Someone told me that was my first spiritual awakening. Five days before I walked through the doors of this program.
Later, as I eventually began to put this program into action. That is the 12 Steps, I had another one. I know, or think I do, that I had other awakenings. And they were the result of more than just the Steps. It was also going to meetings, getting a sponsor, talking to my sponsor, listening to my sponsor and others, doing whatever I was asked. Most of the time.
I am thinking about all of this at the moment, because, as I do, I can begin to get a better picture of what my maintaining my spiritual condition is all about. Was this what I did the last time I asked the same question? I don’t know, but I think it might very well be close. In reality it doesn’t matter. Why? Because I believe that’s what keeps this program fresh in my mind and in my life.
All that has gone on before, the good and the not so good. The doing things well and not so well. A reflection of the life of an alcoholic like myself. Not a perfect life by any means. And imperfect life at best. Why? Because I still have my faults. The major fault is my ego. My self centered way of thinking and acting. All the time? No. No way.
When I’m aware of what I’m doing. When I have kept my primary purpose in front of my mind. To stay sober and help another alcoholic, I am probably in the best place to do the things I must. To practice the principles of this program in all of my affairs.
I know that the only Step I’ve done perfectly is the First. My surrender was total. No questions. The end of my drinking was so bad that it’s hard to put into words. The darkness within, the total despair, the insanity as a result of drinking all the time in those years. The total unmanageable life I was leading, along with being unable to stop drinking. And then that moment, when I asked for help.
No that moment finished that step and put a period to the end of it. But the rest of the Steps? I’ve been through them all, not once, but over and over. I can only guess that I’ve missed enough in each one of them. I can look at the last three and see the need of a lot of improvement. But, as long as I have today and am willing to do whatever it takes, I know there is always hope. Especially, when I know that I have my Higher Power, who has done for me what I couldn’t do for myself.
That’s enough for now. More will come up later I know. Just wanted to go back and take a look. I’m far from done. I know, as I’ve been told, that as long as I’m alive I will never be done. There will always be more to do. More to learn. More to practice. I know I pray that I will be willing to go to any lengths to do what is necessary to stay sober. Then I look around and see the meetings, the people in those meetings, my friends and acquaintances, who are sober, and know that I can rely on them for help. And, like I said my Higher Power.
Once again, I need to say thanks.