How easy it is to get confused and not know or forget what’s really going on. Talking about long term resentments today it was easy to see that. Several people afterward said they were thinking that way. One in particular opened up and told me his story.
All of this reminded me of the “human condition”. It’s easy to get confused and forget who we really are. After all we’re trying to live a “spiritual condition”. Am I spiritual? I don’t think so. I’m still human and probably will be until it’s all over. I can try to live a spiritual way of life, but I stumble more than I succeed.
And what is that comes into the picture and confuses us with guilt and remorse? I think, for myself, that my experience is that I’m human first. I still have all my defects hanging around and every once in a while I’m going to be tempted to think about exercising them. After all I still have that little rebel down there, who wants to take charge. Besides I have all this stuff from my early life, which puts out all this guilt and remorse, even when I’ve only thought about something and never followed through on this.
What I need, I know, is to get things in balance and come to understand what’s really going on. That’s why I need to talk to others and get my feet where they should be. On the ground. But on the other hand I have to get my mind, my thinking, where it should be. And often that is influenced by my emotions. And I need to talk to someone and help them get my “wrong” feelings and thinking back into perspective. I need to learn how to forgive myself. Not easy, when I lack the practice of doing that for myself.
I need to learn how to get out of my own way and come to peace. To ask my Higher Power for the help I need and then do the next right thing. And also to remember that time takes time. I’ve heard and witnessed that over the years in sobriety. Nothing happens over night. I’ve got to remember all the junk I dragged in with me. It takes time to get a lot of this stuff out of the way. But if I stick with it eventually that rocky road begins to smooth out. The roller coaster ride begins to also even out.
Though I may question my spirituality in the sense of my being a spiritual person or not, I do know that, if I continue to stick with all that I have learned in this program, I know that I can stay sober today. And if I do that each and everyday sobriety will be available to me. That’s all the evidence I need. And peace and serenity and happiness and a new freedom is available. I need to stay grateful to my Higher Power and all these people I have come to know over these years, who have helped me to stay sober. And to ask for help when I need it.