Many years ago, when I was new to the program, I was at a meeting, when someone called on me. I began to speak, don’t ask me what about, but that didn’t stop me. But in the middle of this rant, an old timer way down at the other end of the room, which was packed by the way, spoke up. He challenged me and asked me if I had worked these Steps? Of course not. I mean I knew everything, I didn’t need the Steps. Well, he said, if I hadn’t I needed to shut up. To take the cotton out of my ears and put it in my mouth. I knew how to drink, but I didn’t know how to stay sober, and, if I wanted to stay sober, I was going to have to learn how to listen.
I never forgot that moment. In fact I was reminded of it today by a man, who advertised himself as a drug addict and an alcoholic. He went on and on and on. He had one day of sobriety. He told of all the drugs he’s used. Went on with that for quite a while. Then he told us how he had just detoxed himself for about a week or more. And here he was sitting here just waiting for his sobriety. The way he spoke you’d think he knew everything there was to know about not drinking and staying sober. Finally after about five or ten minutes he shut up.
Guess what? I was looking at myself back when I came in and no one could tell me anything. Except, when that old timer called me out, he got my attention for the first time. As humiliating as it was, something deep within me told me that this was good for me. I don’t know where that came from, but it reached me where I needed. He was right and I was wrong.
So what happened today was that the leader of the meeting called on me. I took a deep breath and didn’t tell him to shut up. Instead I did tell him about the First Step in the 12&12. I talked to him about “bottoms”, as that chapter did. He said to me “Bottoms?”. I said yes and then spelled the word “b-o-t-t-o-m-s” so that he at least knew that’s what I was saying. Then I told him what that chapter said about that. That if we hadn’t hit our bottom and weren’t in enough pain, why would we want to do what was necessary to achieve sobriety? Like working the Steps. We had to know that this disease wanted us at least drunk, if not dead. We had to begin to listen as only the dying can.
I don’t know if this had any effect. It certainly didn’t look like it did, sorry to say. But at least I did tell him what I needed to hear back then. I needed to know that, if I wasn’t ready I probably would have drunk again and died.
Anyway I did the best I could to get his attention. It was the end of the meeting at that point.
When I got home I finally got quiet and sat down and thought about what had happened. I finally settled on the fact that I had given him the message. Another form of what I had been given. Maybe I should have told him to shut up, but just watching him and his air of superiority and over confidence, I figured that wouldn’t work. I could only hope that something I might have said reached him, as it had me way back then. Who knows?
I think the difference in my reaction was that I had already hit my bottom. Way down. In such pain and despair that all I needed was the direction I received. It got my attention. Because of old timers like that man, I’m still here. It worked. And I guess that’s what’s important. Hope something gets the man there today. Who was “me”.
Looking back at that moment in time I have to know how grateful I am for men just like that old timer, who helped me to stay here and listen and get sober. And of course my Higher Power, who gave me what I needed to get sober and remain that way today.