These thoughts are all about self. Like a woman the other day, who celebrated over 35 yrs. said, she still ends up thinking about herself. It’s still all about her.
I have a lot of time in here and have to agree. It’s true that this program has brought about a lot of changes in me. That’s for certain. But the bondage of self is still present. In fact I took time out today to read about a pro baseball player, who had broken records and was on his way to a major league team. They had been dreaming of getting him on their team and turning him into a star. Guess what? He left the team. He left baseball. He entered a monastery and is studying to become a priest.
Why was I spending time reading his story? Because of a number of things he said, with which I could identify with. One of those was his trying to overcome self thoughts. He then said there are times when he just wants to think about things about himself. Selfish and self centered. Not to the degree I was or am, but nevertheless familiar. Made me feel a little less pressure.
And then he said something else that eased the tension within, which pops up every now and then. He said that he often doesn’t want to pray. I mean here’s this young man, a couple of years in his program where they pray formally about ten times a day and then take more time out for that. That was not only a revelation, but like I said I often condemn myself, when I don’t want to. Probably goes back to my childhood and on up. A lot of guilt hangovers still around from way back then. Still all about me.
Anyway got a lot out of the story. A fairly long one, but one I could identify with. Spent a lot of time myself doing what he’s presently doing. That is until one day doubt took over and without seeking the proper counseling, l left on a drunk and drank alcoholically until some twenty years later, when I came into this program. That’s exactly how I was, when I came here. I thought I knew it all. Thank my Higher Power and the people in here, my sponsor, and those old timers, who knew how to cut me down to size. Often ego deflation in depth. Just what I needed, though I certainly didn’t know it at the time.
That’s part of the changes in me. I know from working this program and following suggestions I have found a little humility. At least enough to be able to realize that the longer I stay sober the less I do know. That’s why I need to go to meetings regularly to be reminded of what it is I have forgotten and what it is I still need to learn. Yet there are these moments, when all of a sudden I think I know it all. Amazing how my alcoholically effected self centered nature can get into that way of thinking. You’d think my experience would shut me up. Nope. Not this alcoholic.
I often go back and remind myself of what my sponsor told me way back, when he said to me that I didn’t know that I didn’t know. I only thought I did. Then he added that I was educated beyond my intelligence. What a gift for this egomaniac. Just what I needed. Sometimes I will say that at meetings and it brings on a lot of laughs. Just what my ego needs. A little puncturing.
As I sat here thinking about this stuff, I realized that I’m still part of the individual I brought to these doors. That part of my disease is still present and when I forget, it takes advantage of this ego maniac. I need to ask my Higher Power for help. There’s no way that I can control what is basically uncontrollable. Me.
Anyway I thought I take the time to sit and meditate on my basic faults and bring them to the center of my attention. I know I have to continue to pay attention. To get out of my own way and then I have to reach out and ask for the help I need. Like I’ve been reminding myself, I have an incurable disease. It will be with me the rest of my life and I need to pay attention because I don’t ever want to drink again.
So, here I am one more time, thinking about sobriety. It helps me to do this.