I was thinking something today, which relates pretty much to who I really am. I’m sure it could be the cause of some conflict. My thoughts that is. It’s about my ego and the real proof of its size.
I remember back a lot of years ago, when I was going through some psychotherapy for a depression I fell into, when I was about five years sober. The therapist a really wonderful woman and a very spiritual being, who contributed much to me, said something which really got my attention. She said that it was a wonder that there was room on this planet for anyone else, because of the size of my ego.
I really learned early on that we alcoholics had over sized egos. Dr. Harry Tiebout certainly talked and wrote about the alcoholics super sized ego. His words, ego deflation in depth was what he encouraged people like myself to achieve.
Certainly surrender and acceptance, starting with that First Step, is one step in deflating our egos. My sponsor and a lot of those old timers contributed to that reduction. They knew exactly what was wrong with me and never hesitated to cut me down to size. I have to say how grateful I am for what they did for me. I think it did reduce my ego at least a fraction.
I know that I must constantly be aware of this disproportionate ego or it could continue to get in my way. I know that it certainly does from time to time. Practicing these Steps and what I have learned from others has been a big help. Going to meetings and watching and listening has also helped to give me some control over my ego. My self centered nature. Steps Six and Seven. The Third and the Tenth Step.
I know that over time I have done some reading and studying articles about this problem. And that’s where I became aware of what I was thinking about today. And what’s that? A long time ago, early on in this program, my sponsor said something to me, which occasionally comes back to haunt me. “God forgives you, man forgives you, why can’t you forgive yourself?” It never dawned on me at the time or even for a long time after. Yet after all this time and all this practice I still get echoes of this self condemnation.
Never did have good thoughts about myself, growing up. And from time to time, like I said, those thoughts will pop up. I know it began a long time ago, way back, when I was a child. Instead of thinking what a great guy I was and inflating my ego that way, I often ended up condemning myself and beating myself up inwardly. Probably had to do with what I learned in my family and my religion. Nothing against my family or religion in my mind. It’s my problem. I have at least come to recognize that.
Intellectually I recognize that I have indeed grown. Yet it’s in that emotional side of myself. Never consistently. But it’s when I’m not paying attention to what I’m supposed to be doing to grow along spiritual lines and to practice this program in all of my affairs, that if I’m not careful, I can get pulled down into semi darkness. And that’s a wake up call to get back into practicing this program.
That therapist and my sponsor recognized my need of ego deflation. They knew what was going on with me. I need to remind myself from time to time. Just what I’m thinking of at the moment.
Grateful for my Higher Power and all the help I have been given. Enough. I’m indeed sober and on the right track. Love it.