Good topic for alcoholics like myself. Acceptance. Or the truth. Not willing to accept was one of the topics. It brought back to many of us the difficulties we had early on in this program. And how our sponsors and, for me, some of those old timers who helped us to change.
None of this was easy because my mind was full of “me”. My thinking and believing I knew what it was I needed to know. Of course that was a lot of junk. My mind was full of the stuff I dragged through the doors with me. And I didn’t want to change. And, of course, I knew nothing about staying sober. All I knew was that I wasn’t drinking.
Probably what began the changes in me was what we called ego deflation in depth. The courage and caring of my sponsor and those old timers in here to puncture my ego and let the junk out. They could slam me with the truth. I look back and think of how much I owed them for their willingness to do this. It was exactly what I needed to help me to bring about the change which saved me.
They didn’t mind telling me to shut up. Exactly what I needed. Like they said I didn’t know anything about staying sober. All I knew was how to get drunk and all the garbage which went with that. I was told I needed to open my ears and begin to listen. Not just with my mind, but with my heart. I learned that I didn’t know that I didn’t know. I only thought I did. I definitely needed help.
I had to learn to give up the “control” I thought I had. I had to learn that I wasn’t in charge. Part of that eventually became clear through the Serenity Prayer. Didn’t happen over night. And then being helped to become willing to start living a spiritual life in here.
Once again I had to begin to learn what I had failed to learn over a lifetime. Discipline. Not that I wasn’t exposed to that in education and the military. Just that I failed to do what I needed to. I didn’t buy into it, because, like I said I felt that it was me who was in charge of everything in my life.
I had to learn how to become part of this program and become part of the groups I was exposed to. To learn, not only how to become friends with others, but how to listen and follow their examples for me. And all this was the beginning of the changes in my life, my thinking, and even my feelings.
With all the help I was given I began to put his program into action. I often think of my friend who said he learned he had to get out of the driver’s seat and go to the back of the bus and sit down. Not easy to clean out one’s head and throw all the junk in there away. Like I said, ego deflation. Exactly what I needed.
All of this is just another reminder of why I am here. To stay sober this day. One day at a time. To continue to pray and ask for help. To go to meetings. To learn to share and listen. To know I cannot stay sober by myself. To help others like myself. To have hope and faith in my Higher Power. And to be grateful.