What is it about humility which gives someone like me difficulties? I know now, since I came into this program, that it’s my oversized ego. I was told that by those old timers in here, my old sponsor, and by a very spiritual person, who was helping me later on.
My problem was that I was in my own way and causing myself problems, as well as bothering many others. I thought I knew everything. And, as a result of my sponsor and others I learned that I knew nothing. And I began learning that, when I was first told to shut up.
As we discussed this topic today, along with working this program, it became apparent that humility is not about eliminating us personally. It’s about being able to step out of ourselves and help others along the way. Not getting in our own way.
Someone mentioned the Traditions as being helpful. I think it was in the reading today. And I couldn’t agree more. The first Tradition is one where we have to put our own agendas aside for the good of the whole, if we want to continue this program. Alcohol and alcoholism is the only subject. That is what humility helps me to do.
I learned in here that I was going to have to be quiet and open that closed mind of mine and begin to listen and learn from others, if I wanted to stay sober. Part of that was to become willing to fill that black “God Hole” within me from within and not from acquiring things to make myself feel good, including alcohol. Second Step.
Looking back I believe all of this began when I found myself in the terrible pain of despair, when I decided to kill myself to stop me from drinking alcohol anymore. The man who gave me hope was the one who opened the door for me to pray and ask for the help I needed to stop drinking and to go to my first meeting. The prayer worked and I came to this program without knowing that my huge ego was in the way.
In here I discovered that not only I could not stay sober by myself, I also had to change and accept anonymity. I wasn’t here to advertise what I was doing. The only ones I needed to tell that I was no longer drinking alcohol were alcoholics like myself and the new persons, seeking a solution themselves.
In fact one of the subjects, which reminds me of my need to practice humility, is anonymity. It tells me that under certain circumstances I need to learn to step aside from myself. I know how true that is when I get the opportunity to help others. I maybe talking about my own problems to share with them about what it was that changed me and helped me to stay sober. But I’m not thinking about me at the moment. I’m looking at the person(s) before me. It’s about practicing compassion for others, who are suffering.
Anyway the subject made me look back at what it was which helped change me. The ego deflation in depth delivered to me by my old sponsor and those old timers. And my beginning to learn to live a spiritual way of life in here, beginning with the Second Step. It opened the door to my being able to stay sober a day at a time. It also helped me to continue to go to meetings to help myself to learn and grow and to help others there.