Strange day for me. I stopped and stumbled on a movie on TV, which was made in the 60s. What caught my attention was it was something I had seen several times before. Yet here I was sitting and watching it again. That’s because I could relate to it. Days of Wine and Roses.
Of course it was about an alcoholic like myself. In fact I was out of town on a sales trip and had to stay sober the night before, so I went to a movie and this was it. It actually had no impression on me that night because I wasn’t in a mental position to relate. It was only after I got sober and saw it that it finally hit me. There were a number of scenes I could definitely identify with.
The main reason I didn’t relate was that I was already a totally heavy drinker. They talked about two things in this movie I didn’t relate to and that was alcoholism. I knew nothing about that and so wasn’t interested. And finally AA. That never did hit me along the way. When I finally got here it was like it was the first time I ever heard of AA, and, for that matter, alcoholism.
What I still remember over and over from that movie were these two scenes. The first was when he bumped into the window and the expression on his face. Only an alcoholic could have known that. It was too real. And I later learned that he was what he portrayed. The second was even more real for me. It was when he looked in the window he was passing by. For the first time he saw what he had become. And that was me.
I have never forgotten that last day drinking. I was sitting in a bar drinking and staring at myself in the mirror behind the bar. And for the first time I suddenly saw what I had become. It was so clear I know it made me realize what was wrong with me. I know I knew that I drank too much. I never ever got home after work. Not until early in the morning. And what came clear to me that day was that no matter what I had tried to do, I couldn’t stop drinking.
By this time I hated alcohol. Yet, like I said, no matter what I tried I could not stop. I knew that alcohol owned me. Moreover, I had no idea that I was an alcoholic. I don’t think, even having had watched this for the first time while drinking, that I had even picked that up from this movie. It wasn’t until I came into this program and read the Doctor’s Opinion in the BB that I realized what was really going on.
Anyway it was at that moment in the bar that I decided the only thing I could do to free me from alcohol was to step outside and commit suicide. And that’s when everything changed for me. First the bartender grabbed my wrist and stopped me and asked if he could help me. He’s the one who got the friend I drank with, who had run into a man in the program, who had smelled alcohol on him. It was that man, who told my friend that there was a place where men and women met and stayed sober together.
My friend passed that on to me and that gave me hope for the first time in years. And that’s what changed me. I prayed for the first time in a long time and surrendered to God as I understood Him. Stopped drinking and came into the program, where I have been ever since, not drinking. Sober at last.
Anyway, having missed my meeting today, this gave me a reminder. I’m here to stay sober this day. The only day I have. Yesterday is gone and tomorrow is not here. And I’m grateful for what I have been given. Need to thank my Higher Power and all those in here, who have helped along the way.