One of the gifts of this program are the people in it with whom I can identify, and have love and compassion for. What caused this was their love and care for relatives and friends, whom were suffering. I know I could go back and remember the same thing…except I was given the gift of change. And that’s the Second Step of this program.
At least the beginning of change through the introduction of the spiritual way of life, and also the relationship with my Higher Power. Through my old sponsor, and others, who helped me, I began to come to realize who’s in charge of my sobriety and this way of life. And all of this is my Higher Power.
And this became clear to me, when I first read the prayer stating that I needed relief from the bondage of self, so that I could begin to do the will of my Higher Power. I started to realize that I lacked humility. I was self centered and thinking I was in charge. I had to back off from my over sized ego.
I learned that it was alright for me to love others and care for them, but I had to begin to learn the meaning of the Serenity Prayer. I had to turn those I loved and cared for to my Higher Power. Who was in charge of them and others was not myself. I could love and care and have compassion, but there was nothing I could ever do which had the power to change them.
And that’s where the courage to change the things I can came into the picture. And what is it I had to learn to change? Myself. I can remember, when I was living in Maryland, I received a phone call from my younger brother, when he told me he had three months to live, and would I come up and help him?
When I arrived, I found my mother was also in the same state of life. She was told she also had roughly three months to live. It was enough to take my breath away. So I joined my sister and we did take care of them. And so did members I knew in this program. I came to learn I was not in charge, though I loved them. And they passed away in three months, about a week apart.
All the time I was here, I came to know that I was not in charge. I could pray for them, but I knew I had to let go of what I thought I knew. Fortunately I could always remember what it was I was learning in here. I could love, but I had to let go. And I did. I felt deeply sad and human.
However I was not being controlled with obsession. I’ve seen others who were. Grief turned to anger and hatred, and very deep resentments. Their compassion evidently told them they were in charge and had been cheated.
I know I had learned of faith, hope, and love. Those I had lost I knew were where they needed to be. I was here and still human and came to know that I was to do the will of my Higher Power, to love and care for those I could help by following the directions I had been given over time in this program. I had learned from my old sponsor and others in here that I was to freely give to others, what was given to me. But I was not in charge.
I still have friends I love and care for. But we were told we are not saints. We’re human alcoholics and still open to our human errors over which we will stumble. We still have to pick ourselves up and keep on trying to live and do the right things. And the primary purpose is always the same. I know I need to stay sober one day at a time. I know I am grateful and owe so much thanks to my Higher Power, and all those who have helped me to stay sober and continue to grow along spiritual lines in here.