Funny to look back at my beginnings in this program. But that’s exactly what happened today, when someone brought up a “problem” she had witnessed. Someone had said something to a new person in a group and they felt offended, the new person that is, and I guess left.
I remember when I came in I was paranoid. If people were standing in a group talking and laughing, I felt it was aimed at me. Imagine. However I felt that way before I got here. Long story, so I’ll skip it. The fact of the matter is that no matter what I would never leave. I had come here to get sober and stay sober and no matter how uncomfortable I felt there was no way anyone was going to get me to leave.
In fact it was around that time that my sponsor told me that the alcoholic (me?) was insecure, immature, and oversensitive. Sure described this alcoholic, when I had walked through those doors. Then he told me that I had to develop a thick skin. I had to overcome that insecurity, the hyper sensitive nature I had, and I had to begin to grow up. To become an adult. Just imagine. There I was at 42 and I had all the maturity of a 13 or 14 year old.
Additionally those old timers back then had no hesitation to speak up and put me in my place. They did that frequently and, as I said, looking back I don’t blame them. I was often told in no uncertain terms to shut up and listen. However I am glad that they did. As I grew in this program I knew it was exactly what I needed at the time. I needed that self centered ego, which fostered all this thin skin, to be punctured and deflated. To get cut down to size. Somehow I sensed it was important to my sobriety.
So, when I heard that story today I thought about what I would have done. Despite my insecurity, immaturity, and my oversensitivity, I would have been embarrassed of course, but that wouldn’t have gotten me out the door. I wanted this program. I guess I was ready, in a fashion, to go to any lengths to get sober and stay sober.
I knew that when I worked that First Step I had surrendered completely to the fact that I was powerless over alcohol and that my life was totally unmanageable. I have never questioned that from the beginning. I was told that, if I wanted this program, I could have it. If I didn’t I probably would go out and drink again. I never wanted to that ever again, so I stayed.
Anyway, just another reason for me to think about my sobriety. Why I came here and why I’m still here. Why meetings are so important to me. How I hear what I need to hear. A reminder I can’t stay sober by myself. And I always am reminded how much I need my Higher Power and need to be grateful for all that I have been given.