Sanity. The return to sanity. The difference between could and would. Could restore us to sanity. Yet to listen to anyone person, myself especially, on any given day, one would have to wonder. Am I truly sane? I’m reminded of Matt C’s statement often, that this is not a hotbed of mental health.
But so often I find myself in a more serene space and experiencing peace of mind. I see it in so many of my friends and acquaintences, as we all grow along spiritual lines. Is this the sanity we were seeking?
Going back to the early years in this program, I can see a slideshow of images of how I was back then. The rollercoaster ride of emotions and thoughts. Feelings, often times out of control. Anger and resentments, fear, and a host of other things, wanting to overwhelm me and take me back out to a drink. There were moments, when I would just grit my teeth and hang on. But, there were moments of being in an oasis of calm and the grasp of an idea of what good things were just ahead of me.
Then as I slowly moved along this path and witnessed others doing the same, I experienced painful episodes of the dry drunk. Anger, fear, resentments pulled at me and tried to pry me away from the path. Sometimes I can remember thinking, as I looked back, how close I came to the edge of the precipice. But my sponsor and a host of others, who had sober thinking and backbones, would pull me back and guide me back to the way. They often literally placed my feet back on the path and led me along in the right direction.
Sometimes these impressions of the past seem like a lifetime ago. But there are other times, when they seem only yesterday. However, I think they’re important to remember. They echo the thought that I don’t want to go through that sobering up period again. That’s a healthy thought. I won’t have to, if I stay on the beam.
Last night I was thinking about the words in the BB, “we are neither cocky nor are we afraid”. They kept coming back over and over, like a song that doesn’t want to go away. Then the words I read “That is our experience. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition.” These are the words which ends the description of our restoration to sanity.
That’s been my experience for a long time now. Like I said, I see it in so many and hear it everyday.
It reminds me of how much I owe to so many, who gave of their experience, strength and hope along the way. And it makes me grateful, not only to them for their service, but to the ultimate source of all of this, my Higher Power, whose grace and gifts have sustained me.
Just reminding myself of what this is all about.