I almost think about others, but I almost always think of me. Talking to others tells me that we’re almost all the same. Almost. It’s mostly about us.
The thing which stands out most in these conversations is that most don’t think much of themselves. Which means of course that it’s mostly what they think, about themselves.
Bill once wrote in the Grapevine that our first and foremost quest is freedom from alcohol. Without this we have nothing. But once we’re free of alcohol we have to face what’s wrong with us. What’s wrong is our character defects and the consequences they bring. He said that faced with that we have three choices; one is to rebel, which can and often does lead to destruction; the second is to get comfortable and slip into mediocrity, which he says is often dangerous; and the third is to take the necessary action to grow along spiritual lines and find freedom under God. Not exactly his words, but the essence.
Over the years, I have struggled and gone through almost everything. Almost. But one thing I have begun to learn is to almost accept myself as I am. I’ve almost learned to be content with who and what I am. But that’s not due to virtue. It’s the result of trying to practice these principles in all my affairs. Well, almost. I’ve learned that it’s a rocky road. No kidding. As if we all us didn’t know that. But the hardest thing for me was to learn to accept my faults, my failures, my shortcomings and to learn to be content with them. Not to practice them so much, but to be at peace with my imperfections. They’re me.
Maybe even harder is to accept those things which are in the plus column. Those “wins” I have experienced in my life, especially in the program. When someone comes up and tells me that I have done a good job. My constant temptation is to put my head down and stir the sand with my toe and protest in glorious false humility, “golly gee whiz, aw gosh, not me, not really”.
Criticism and condemnation come to us all, as well as praise. How we handle it is another matter. Our charcter defects are often out there as well as our good works. My sponsor told me that, when I can accept both as equal and with equanimity, I will start to learn humility. It’s a hard thing to hear something negative about ourselves and keep our mouth shut. It’s just as hard to hear praise and learn to simply say “thank you”.
We are all of us in this together. Having found freedom from alcohol and now having to face our defects and do something about them. We’re trudging this road of happy destiny. A friend of mine called yesterday and said that trudging does not mean to be slogging along through the muck and mire. He said he looked up the dictionary definition of “trudge” and the meaning about the time the BB was being written, was to go forward with purpose.
Anyway, just some thoughts.