Everytime I hear or read that term “honesty”, I get a hitch in my giddeyup. I always wonder just how honest I am. Really. I honestly think to myself that I may have to lie, just to get to the truth. I think of the terms and conditions of getting sober. Rigorous honesty. I’m not sure just how rigorous I have been about anything I could tell you that I was but that might not be honest.
When I seriously think about being honest, I have to stop and consider what that is. I mean it seems apparent. We’re talking about the truth here. We’re told that anyone can get sober, regardless of their condition, as long as they have the capacity to be honest. Honest with who? You? Me? Or who or what?
If I want to be sober, and I really do, I think that honesty or the truth is not on the outside, but inside of me. Not the cashregister honesty, but a truth way down deep within. But there’s the problem. How do I know I’m being honest?
I have found that I need to talk to someone else besides myself to become honest. In other words I have to check it out. I could be lying to myeslf all the time and never even come near the truth. I was talking to a man today, who has a lot of years in the program and something came up in the conversation. He was describing a situation to me: a problem. As he talked, I could see what the problem was and why he was troubled by this thing. He was lying to himself. He was conning himself and others and believing it was true. I told him that. The minute I did, he broke out laughing. I did too. Ater all, the only way I could have known that he was doing this to himself, was that I have done the same thing very many times.
This kind of exercise, though sometimes painful, is one way open to me to help insure that I won’t con myself into a drink. I may have the capacity to be honest, but at some point I may just stop being honest. And, then what?
Just sitting here and thinking that I honestly want to continue down this path to sobriety.