I was talking to an old friend today about our thinking. He said that his wife and he had heard a talk the other day and the speaker lamented the fact that, when we talk to others or they to us, the usual conversation is “how do we feel?” It’s never what do we think.
If someone should ask what we think, we’d believe they were being nosy. But the truth is that we allow our feelings to control just that; our thinking. So, when we ask about someones feelings, we’re really hearing what they think.
Between my sponsor and the woman, who became my counselor and spiritual director, I was to learn that much of what goes on in life is impersonal. For instance, we’re driving down the road and someone cuts in front of us. That’s usually an occasion for instantaneous anger on our part. If our mind was in control of our feelings, we would be able to recognize that the other person’s action had nothing to do with us personally. It was an impersonal choice on their part. Yet, when our habit of thinking is controlled by our feelings, we explode. We feel victimized and we think we’re being used.
What has this got to do with alcoholism and sobriety? A lot. As long as our feelings are in charge of our thinking and we tend to take things personally, we can end up with feelings of being a victim, though we might not be aware that’s what’s happening. That can lead to a lot of anger and resentments. And anger and resentment can lead to a drink. It’s that simple.
That’s pretty much what Bill was saying in the BB, when he counseled us about assuming the burden of others and that we can soon be overwhelmed by them. That’s why my sponsor tried to teach me that I was to think with my head and not my heart. My feelings were easily hurt. Like my sponsor often said, the alcoholic is insecure, immature, and oversensitive.
That was me. I had to learn through the steps and a lot of help from others how to reverse the process and become aware of my feelings and how they could control my thinking. It was the introduction of the spiritual life into mine that made all the difference. I had to get the horse in front of the cart and develop a “thick skin”, as I was so often told. I had to grow up emotionally; something I never learned in those years of drinking. In other words, I not only had to get sober, I had to sober up.
Anyway, I was thinking about this today and being grateful for all the help I received, which helped me change my thinking. Sober thinking.