This is not going to be an easy write. I write these thoughts for myself, but knowing that others read them, which is all right with me, as long as they find them helpful. But this is kind of a Tenth Step.
I attended a very good retreat this weekend. Wonderful speakers and wonderful messages. Time of meditation and time for fellowship, from which I derived a lot of things, which made me grateful to be part of this program. But…
A big but, because of some misgivings on my part. I could be wrong, as I often am. But there was a flavor to what was going on, as far as my part. I had this feeling, when I arrived, and maybe even before that, that there was something of the “pedestal” for me. After all, I have an awful lot of time in this program, and I am of an age, which probably says to some that I deserve a little respect. So, what did I do?
What I did, is what I often do, when I run into situations just like this. I deliberately acted the jerk. And, as far as I could see, at the end of the session, it worked.
I went back to the situation Bill W. had with Nancy S. She was so overwhelmed in her first meeting with Bill that she shook all over and was almost in tears. And what did he do? He leaned down and said, “Look, Honey, I’m just another drunk just like you.” Perfect.
That’s all I am and all I ask to be. Just another drunk just like everyone else in this program. No better and no worse. Do I have wisdom to offer, as a result of all this time and sobriety? The only thing I can offer anyone else is what was given to me by my sponsor, the old timers I knew back then, the BB, and the rest of the literature. What I have heard at meetings over the years, the conversations I have had with others, the oral legacies and history and the words passed on to me.
I’ve learned that we learn and then add to what we learn. It’s through my individual practice and experience that maybe I have something that may “sound” new, but it really isn’t. Sometimes there is wisdom we derive from other readings and things I have heard, but it’s just reinforcement of what is already here and available to all of us.
What I was able to offer this weekend is just the result of an imperfect life. All I can hope is that it helped. And this I can add: I am so grateful to all of those, who helped me this weekend. They added to my already full life. But it was very much a spiritual gift to me and I hope to everyone in attendance.
Again, as I have said many times before, I am a very wealthy and rich man, because of this program. And my wealth and my treasures are the love and friendships, which have grown over the years. This weekend bore out just how wealthy I have become. I not only saw old friends and companions, but hopefully have added others to my treasury. I owe an awful lot of thanks for this experience. I owe it to my higher power and all those who helped in allowing me to be present.