I couldn’t help but think about a once famous British broadcaster, who once had the privilege of having Mother Theresa on his program. He said he was entirely unprepared for how she was. He said that ordinarily he would have celebrities on, who could fill the hour up with their talking about themselves, but that didn’t happen, when the good nun came on. He said he asked her did she come from peasant stock. “Yes.” Nothing more. He named the country in which she was born and asked her if that was where she came from. “Yes.” That was about all she answered throughout the program. One syllable words. He then said he had to fill the empty air space himself. He was exhausted at the end. She had such humility that she didn’t have to talk about herself.
Bill W. writes that the alcoholic is self centered in the extreme. He adds that if we don’t get over our selfishness it will kill us. Was he talking about me? Of course he was. Someone once said in a meeting that he wasn’t much, but he was all he could think about. Sounds familiar.
Once I thought if one would enter a monastery and spent many years in contemplation we would be free of ourselves and only think about God. Not so, wrote one famous monk. He said all the faults we have on the outside come in with us. For instance resentments. Even in a cloister we think about ourselves.
We may dedicate ourselves, but we’re still human.
That’s never more true than someone like this drunk. I’m reminded of how my character defects are always will be present down within me. And reflecting on my thoughts last night it was never more true. It’s still all about me.
My oversensitivity showed up big time. Instead of being able to just pause and step back in the face of what I might term as respect, I had to plunge headlong into pushing it away from myself. Ugh!
It tells me that no matter how far I may think I have come, I still have a long, long way to go. My imperfections walk hand in hand with me over this pathway to sobriety. It’s my self centered thinking that trips me up and causes me to fall flat on my face, no matter how much I think I can justify it.
Bill tells us in the Seventh Step in the 12&12 that the humility necessary to surrender in the First Step is but a little. It’s going to take more and more humility to go on along this path. And, he says, that it’s going to take a long, long time to acquire humility. I remember a spiritual director once told me that, when I came in and accepted my being powerless over alcohol, I really never even reached my knees. I was told I barely genuflected.
Nevertheless I’m still trying. I never want to drink again and I want to stay sober. I’m willing to do whatever it takes to stay sober. I may stumble and fall flat on my face, but I’m willing to try to pick myself up and dust myself off and try again. That’s what I’m doing now. Dusting myself off and going on