Whenever storm clouds gather and the skies darken, I know I can seek shelter and protect myself from it’s power.
There’s another storm, which can be just as damaging. It’s within me.The storm of my emotions. Anger, rage, jealousy, even fear, and on and on. Those storms and their damage is what I can look back and see in my Fourth and Eighth Steps and even into the Tenth.
No wonder the old timers and Bill W. tried to tell us to use our heads and not our hearts. Get the intellect over the emotions. Not to let our emotions do our thinking for us.
When I went out in my Ninth Step and was making my amends, I literally could see what my out of control emotions did to others. Fueled by alcohol, it was not a pretty picture. The tornado which is talked about in the BB. I had no control over alcohol or myself either.
But, what about today? The National Weather Service can warn us ahead of time of impending storms. I have learned to pay attention to them. Or should. Who wants to run into a tornado without warning? Do I have a warning system within me about those storms, which can appear so quickly. My emotions? And why bother in the first place?
How about that next drink? This whole thought is about staying sober. And the emotional storms I have gone through sober are definitely just the thing which could have taken me there. Anger, resulting in deep and abiding resentments. The number one killer of alcoholics. Emotional storms, which can cut me off from the sunlight of the spirit. I think about that.
I need to daily pay attention to the warning signs. Irritations, disturbances within. My thoughts and my feelings. Being aware. Doesn’t mean I have to walk around all tensed up about these. Just to know that it’s a possibility. And to learn to be ready to change my mind. To ask for help. From my higher power and others in this program. Am I willing to open up honestly to others, when I’m disturbed? Takes willingness, intention, some wholesome discipline, and practice.
I was reading a spiritual book today and being reminded of the protection I need against my emotions. Bill W. in the Language of the Heart talks about the need to grow up emotionally. Emotional maturity. Being able to put the spiritual life and our own rational thinking over the emotions. Not letting them get into control. That’s one of my goals. Not easy. I pray to the God of my understanding for help with this phase of my life. I never want to drink again and I will always need help. From God and the people in this program.
I was thinking about this today after my reading.