Continuing thoughts on spirituality. I hear some say that they really don’t have a concept of God. A higher power, yes. But my take on it is that it’s the same thing.
I think there is a fear of going any further than the 2nd Step. At least the concept of a higher power, and willing to do what’s asked, as far as the rest of the Steps. A kind of surrender. Limited. A hands off kind of surrender.
When I came in, I was like a lot of alcoholics I have talked to and heard or read. I was spiritually bankrupt. Not even close to anything spiritual, and as a result, insane from alcohol.
Then I got onto the Steps 1, 2, and 3. At 3 I balked. Fear of giving my life over to something I was still questioning. But eventually that word “care” came into focus. Of course it was my ego running my show at the time. It was one thing to have faith in a higher power, who could restore me to sanity. I needed that big time. But having a God of my understanding taking over my whole life for me? That was something else.
But about that time my sponsor pointed out the word “care”. He told me that all I was doing was letting a God into my life, who could do for me what I couldn’t do for myself. The rest of my life, my decisions, my choices, my actions were still in my hands. Of course that also meant the subsequent results were mine also. And sometimes…Oh, well.
But there was something else going to take place. Take place within me and eventually outside of me. A transformation. A complete overhaul of me. In fact a lessening of me. A change for the better. And an emergence of something indefinable, which I can only try to describe as life itself. Nothing I can put my finger on really. But it’s palpable. At least to me.
I have been given a gift. I should say gifts. The first was the release from the bondage of alcohol. That alone would be enough for an alcoholic like myself. Like the 9th Step says in the Promises; a new freedom and a new happiness. Yes, absolutely. But there’s more. Beyond the Promises and the restoration to sanity, as far as alcohol is concerned.
What is it? It’s my life. My very life. I’m still here after all these years. Absolutely amazing to me. And I’m sure to a lot of other people, who know me. What am I talking about? The physical, the mental, and what’s beyond that. That something I believe is there constantly, even when I forget it.
The spirit. But not just my spirit, but what supports that spirit. What was allowed in, when I first came to believe that a power greater than me could restore me to sanity. That door I eventually relaxed and pulled open. And the moments which followed, when no matter how reluctantly I began to put efforts into these 12 Steps. Until finally the spiritual awakening took place. Or had it already at the beginning?
But I must not forget what started all of this. It wasn’t so voluntary at the beginning. It was sheer pain and insanity. Total despair. Hopeless and helpless under the lash of alcohol. I was literally driven through the doors. Had I not hit a bottom, I surely would have continued drinking and died.
So, my thinking about spirituality is driven by a desire to understand more. Not to know more. I doubt that it is possible. But just so that I can meditate and think about this. An act of gratitude, I hope.