Many years ago I heard that all my problems in sobriety were luxuries. Imagine. Luxuries. What were they talking about? I had real problems.
Then they explained. If I hadn’t gotten sober, I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to have these problems. My only problem would have been one. Alcohol. And the consequences of that would have been how to stay out of a mental institution, a jail, or the grave. Talk about real problems.
Then why were my problems so big? Part of that was that I had never grown up and known how to handle my problems. In other words I had only one real problem and that was me.
I had forgotten the second part of the 1st Step. That my life had become unmanageable. I had surrendered to my being powerless, but had I ever surrendered to and accepted that second part? I would have had to say “no”.
And, what was it that made me so unmanageable? My emotional immaturity. I could take whatever it was and expand it out of proportion to reality. My anger, my fears, my resentments, and the list could go on. Self pity. That always helped. Despair. The loss of hope.
If I could trim those parts of me down, the size and complexity of my problems would be reduced. Besides, once I got a problem, my emotions, which had taken over my thinking, told me these were going to last the rest of my life.
No wonder I was told that behind every problem was a drink. With my emotions magnifying every problem, it’s a wonder I didn’t drink. What was I going to have to do? I was going to have to grow up and become an adult. I was somehow going to have to mature emotionally. Talk about the seemingly impossible. But that’s what the Steps were all about.
Again, it all began, after the 1st, with that 2nd Step. Getting a higher power in my life, who could empower me to live this life. Getting a faith in that higher power that I could be restored to sanity. And that was not going to happen overnight.
My self centered selfishness was in the way. A huge obstacle for me. One that was going to take time and action in the Steps. I had to get willing and then make the necessary effort. And that willingness and the effort was driven by the pain of my bottom.
I had to throw my know-it-all thoughts out the window. What I believed I knew was going to keep me in absolute ignorance. Quite possibly they could have led me back to a drink. I once again had to surrender and accept that what our founders and the first sober alcoholics said. Like my sponsor told, when all else fails, follow directions.
Anyway, after talking to and listening to others problems and their feelings and their reactions this past week, I had to stop and reflect on what it was that began to change me and my feelings and reactions. If I wanted to stay sober, then I was going to have to do what those who went before me did.
And what were the results? Fantastic. But it took a day at a time to achieve these. It took being willing to persevere no matter what. I stumbled and bumbled and fumbled an awful lot. Hard to teach someone as smart as I am. Pardon me, while I take the time to laugh at myself. Proof positive that I’m sober in spite of myself.