This morning two incidents from my past jumped into my mind, as I was beginning to meditate. It was difficult to get past them, because I had not thought of either of these over the years. Yet there they were nagging at my mind. A couple of bumps in the road.
There I was, trying to fulfill the 11th Step, seeking to make a conscious contact with the God of my understanding and two barriers I had to cross to get there. Easy to say, why didn’t I just forget them? But definitely not all that easy. One of the reasons was that they were significant in their destructiveness to others in my life. Old guilt pangs were bugging me.
I mean, they were the past. It was over and done with. Had I remembered them way back, maybe a 9th Step would have quieted them down. But those harmed are out of touch now.
Eventually I was able to quiet the disturbance and went on to contemplation. But even those moments still had the marks of those memories.
I talked with an old friend about them this afternoon and he assured me that this kind of phenomenon, for me, was not all that uncommon. At least for him. It did have somewhat of a curative touch to my mind. But the memory of that moment was still disturbing to me.
When I have the opportunity to practice this Step, the usual interferences are current and not so dramatic. I can laugh them off as my junk and continue in silence. Why these came up is a mystery to me. But it was disturbing. Neither has any cure, except to admit to God and someone else the exact nature of my wrongs. The 5th. I did that with my friend and know that what’s done is done.
A long time ago my sponsor told me that there would be many things I forgot in my housecleaning Steps. He said they would come up later. And it’s proved to be true over time. Some things I had no conscious memory of have appeared and I have done what I did today. However I never thought it would be like this after such a long period. I guess I’m grateful…but still a little unsettled.
Yet, on the other hand, I know an old timer, who after 40 years or more, who said he discovered some 9th Steps he had to make. I thought at the time how extraordinary that seemed at the time. Now, I’m not so sure.
Still I am grateful I had the opportunity to accomplish something in these Steps, which seemed necessary. I can only hope that, if and when these things happen, I will have the willingness necessary to do what has to be done. That’s because I never want to drink again and I desire to grow along spiritual lines in order to live a sober life.
As usual, thinking about sobriety.