I would have to guess the reason I brought up one of the subjects today at the meeting was because they don’t call on you, if you bring a subject up. I guess the reason was because of the first topic. Rigorous honesty.
I don’t often think about rigorous honesty, but, when I think of the word rigorous, I often think I probably have never done anything in a rigorous fashion in my whole life. It’s right there with the word absolute. At least I don’t think I have.
People connected it to lying. Not being truthful. I’m not sure about that. I know that my sponsor started me out by having me put a sign up on my mirror which said “don’t lie to me”. I probably did lie to me anyway. What changed all of that was the Tenth Step. Especially when we were wrong. That particularly struck home with me, when I read the spiritual axiom in the Tenth Step in the 12&12. Whenever we’re disturbed there is something wrong with us. And after I don’t know how long it finally hit home and I could see where I was wrong and admit it.
No, I think where I have had my problem with rigorous honesty was with my Higher Power. That hit home not too long ago, when someone sent me a prayer by Thomas Merton. One that I had used for a long time, because it described me and my relationship with the God of my understanding. In it he tells God that he has no idea of where he is going. And the fact that he thinks he is doing God’s will does not mean that he is actually doing it. That describes me and the dilemma I always feel that’s my problem.
However he relieves my mind, when he says that he believes the desire to do God’s will is what actually pleases God and he hopes he has that desire in all that he does. Me too.
And, of course, one of the things I keep doing to help me along the way is to attend meetings on a regular basis. Not only do I believe that I can’t stay sober by myself, I also believe that I go there to hear and find out what God’s will is for me that day. Usually I hear something, which clears the air for me and helps in the spiritual way of life I need to stay sober.
After the meeting today I just had to sit down and think about all of this. Helps.
I love this prayer, too. I really like the part where it tells me that if I do have the desire to do God’s will, he will lead me by the right road whether I know it or not. This prayer has sustained me through many a time where I felt directionless and lost, but today you gave me another time when it is useful. That time where I think I know God’s will. It reminds me that my limited vision may not have all the answers or see all of the road.
This idea is especially important for me right now. I am in a relationship that seems to be “the one.” I have been here before and been “wrong.” Or a better way of saying it, God had different and (now I see) better plans for me. I think this is helping me stay more grounded and more in the moment in this relationship rather than flying off (as often) into fantasy land.
Thanks for sharing, Ned.