One of the most important items I have found in this program are “others”. It’s one thing for me to have this program and the spiritual life in it. A Higher Power, the God of my understanding. That’s essential I have found out, if I want to stay sober. However I need to be able to talk to, listen to, and accept others into my life. I cannot do this by myself. I found that out a long time ago.
For one thing I know I need a sponsor. And I realize how difficult that often is for newcomers in here. Anger, fear, resentments, all the negative emotions are generally ruling us, our egos, when we walk through these doors. And just as often, for instance me, I thought that I knew everything, only to learn that I didn’t know that I didn’t know. I only thought I did (my sponsor).
At first I rarely spoke to anyone in here, unless they were like me. New and not relating to anyone in here. For some insane reason I felt that I didn’t need what these old timers in here had. Somehow I think I believed that I could stay sober on my own. All I had to do was to hang around in here. I didn’t have to listen to anyone. Talk about insanity.
Fortunately, early on, I was told by an old timer in a meeting, where I was talking to the group (about what I don’t know), to “SHUT UP!” I still can remember what he looked like. However it was a wake up call for me. And I am so grateful for what he did. It was the beginning of what I so desperately needed. I didn’t know that at the time, but over time I learned that.
I learned that I had to put my own ideas aside and begin to listen to others. I learned that I had to keep my mouth shut in meetings. And slowly I began to learn to listen. In the beginning I really didn’t understand. However, over time, things began to sink in. I learned to leave my own thoughts outside of the room. I also learned in here that I could talk to others outside of meetings. I learned that I needed someone to guide and direct me. A sponsor.
My educational background was pretty heavy. After years on the college level I had a degree. Some of that included theology, philosophy, psychology, and a host of other things. Whatever I had I was eventually glad that I was told to leave it out in the hallways outside the rooms and come in empty minded and learn to listen to what was going on in these rooms. In other words I had to learn how this program works from those with the experience in here. Starting with old timers. I didn’t need to hear from others like myself.
Anyway some of this came up today in our meeting, which brought the Traditions into the meeting. A lot of fairly newcomers were called on and some, at least in the beginning said some things. After a while, no. But it did raise the question of how much we all need to listen and learn what it is that works in here to keep us sober a day at a time.
There are some things I’m going to pass on for now. All I know from my experiences in here is that I feel gifted by those old timers I knew back then. How important some kind of humility is needed by all of us to learn how to stay sober. I had to somehow put my over sized ego aside. My self centeredness. And I got a lot of help from those old timers and my sponsor who never hesitated to practice ego deflation on me and others around me. I am so thankful that they had the courage to do that.
Anyway I talked to some after the meeting and when I got home I knew I had to sit down and meditate and think on this. In the end it’s all about staying sober one day at a time. Makes me grateful I was given so much by the people I grew up in this program with. No matter where I have gone. Basically it was all the same. Makes me thankful to this program, my Higher Power, and all those I have been with over time.