Talking to others after the meeting today I picked up on some things we all seem to have difficulties with. The subject today was the Fifth Step and its problems. And the most trouble was the biggest one. And that turns out to be fear.
Of course scrupulosity seems to be another major form of fear. Terror at having to possibly having to go into details. There was a lot of fear being discussed today. And also later on.
I know part of the answer to alcoholics like ourselves is to be found in the First Step. Surrender. Never ever wanting to drink alcohol again. Ever. That’s the answer to our fears and what would make someone like me be wiling to continue on with these Steps in here. And, of course, others like us, who give into these fears, end up drinking again and again. Fortunately for those in here today they are still alive. I, like others, could describe what has happened to those who went back out and never came back.
I know that total surrender to being powerless over alcohol was part of what got me to put this Fifth Step into action. The other part was guilt and remorse, which drove me to do it three months into this program. I know that it was that, imperfect as it may have been, which helped to connect me to the rest of this program.
However I always go back to the First Step in the 12&12 and what it says about surrender. Pain was the answer for me, as it states in this Step. Somehow the pain of the dark despair deep within me was what made me make the decision to end my life, because I could not stop drinking alcohol no matter what I tried. Fortunately for me I got help. The bartender stopped me and got me aid from a friend of mine. That man gave me the message of hope and that helped me to really pray and that changed my whole life.
And it was pain once again which helped me to do the Fifth Step. Like I said, guilt and remorse drove me to go ahead and do what I needed to do. One of the things I know which helped was that I was not interested in perfection. I was not concerned with being scrupulous. I later discovered that the only perfection in this program was my being willing to totally turn my life and my will over to my Higher Power, as far as alcohol to start with.
I discovered over time that whatever I left out would come up and I could share whatever with someone in this program. The fear was gone. I learned that I was an imperfect human being. Like the BB said, we’re not saints. The most important thing is that I could continue to move ahead and grow in this program. I could change as it tells me I should do.
Anyway I needed to stop and think about what it is that often prevents alcoholics from going ahead and staying sober in here a day at a time. We had an old timer in here, who used to talk at almost every meeting about being powerless. And I can’t tell anyone how many with time in here, alcoholics would come up to me and tell me how for the first time they realized how powerless they were over alcohol. And that got them to truly surrender for the first time.
So here I am once again renewing my commitment to stay sober a day at a time. Again, it’s my gratitude for all I have been given in here by my Higher Power, this program and the people in it. I have been truly blessed. Thanks.