I was made grateful today, because I was given a great chance to listen to someone, who shared me to myself. What I received was a message, which was a great representative of who I used to be for the most part, at one time. It was often what fired me up and caused me to drink over and over and over.
My emotions.
When I finally got sober and came into this program, these emotions came through the door with me. I never want to forget how much they affected my life. And they didn’t go away overnight. They were there for a long time. However early on I began to hear these old timers talking about the concept of I over E. Intellect over our Emotions. And that eventually began to change this alcoholic.
Once again I was reminded of Bill W.’s writing in the Eighth Step in the 12&12. Amazing. He talks about the “quite forgotten emotional conflicts” which are “below the level of consciousness”. And how these gave us violent emotional twists and did us damage. That was sure what happened to this alcoholic. Like I said, not just out there in my drinking, but came with me into these rooms and still gave me a lot of trouble, until I was given the help I needed.
And all this help started, when I was introduced to the Second Step. That opened the door to this program for me. I was able to come to believe in a Higher Power and a spiritual way of life. I was able to begin to establish a foundation of hope and faith. And then love. But time took time, as it always does, I had to study the BB and put these Steps into action. Meanwhile I had to learn to share and listen to my old sponsor and all those old timers in here.
That’s when I learned that the moment I felt an emotion come up, I was to ask my Higher Power for help and then step back and be quiet, if possible. I also had to learn to stop and start my day over. And, over time in here, I began to do, what my sponsor told me to do. To think with my head and not my heart. I also learned that I could stop and go to that spiritual axiom, that whenever I’m disturbed there is something wrong with me. That helps me to let go of others, and blaming them. Too often I have discovered that, whoever I’m aiming at really had nothing to do with my temper, or fear, or resentment.
That doesn’t mean that I still don’t go back to these old emotions. How often I can find myself tripping over my old defects. I was told that I am still a human alcoholic and not a saint. And I learned that this will go on until the day I die. But, as long as I am willing to keep doing what I have learned in here, my staying sober a day at a time, learning to pray and meditate, to continue to go to meetings, and to share with others, who are willing to help me, and me them, and to freely give to newcomers, that my life will be better each and everyday.
Oh, and to be grateful and to express my gratitude to my Higher Power, this program, and all those, who have helped me.