One of the things I keep reminding myself of is why I am here. I know that, when I came into this program I was convinced I knew what this program was about. I believed that I had stopped drinking forever and I would never drink again. And that’s when I was told how wrong I was.
Later, through, not just alcoholics, I learned that the way I was thinking would eventually, probably, lead me back to alcohol again. When I had asked my Higher Power to stop me from drinking alcohol it worked. I woke up the next day and the thought of drinking, the feelings which had been overwhelming me for years, was gone. I felt like a miracle had happened. After all those years that alcohol had owned me vanished.
Five days later I came into this program. I knew nothing about alcoholism nor AA. So, when I walked through the doors, the thought of a spiritual way of life was not there, and I really had fallen back into a way of thinking and living, which was absent of prayer and any thoughts of God, as I understood Him. My mind was filled with my thinking that I knew all I needed to know.
My first sponsor was a tough military veteran and really never talked about the program. Instead he kept taking me out on Twelfth Step calls almost everyday. That was back before there were any rehabs, and hospitals really never allowed alcoholics to come for their alcoholism. In fact, I think, where I lived, there was only one detox. Later I discovered my sponsor, then, was really a two stepper.
After a while my first sponsor, who had ten years sobriety, went back out and drank again and died. That was a wake up call. I couldn’t believe this happened. That’s when my second sponsor stepped into my life. And he was the one, who turned my thinking around. He opened the door within me to focus on staying sober a day at a time. Eventually I came to understand just how untruthful my thinking was and I had to change.
Anyway, each and everyday, since back then, I know I have to stay sober one day at a time. For the first time in my life I learned that I was not to project beyond today. My sponsor and those old timers asked me, when my mind began to wander, where my feet were. I was to look down and stay where I was and not go off into the future. From others I learned that wandering off into the future led to very negative emotions, and often led back to a drink. I didn’t want to go there ever again. So I began to work on trying to stay focused.
Along the way, those old timers talked about “I over E”. Intellect over our emotions. Our negative emotions. I learned that we all have subconscious personalities. Things which happened to us a long time ago, which we pushed out of our minds, and those incidents are lost, but still hidden within us. And when some things come up our negative emotions, which have long term memories come up and take over. Especially resentments. They appear and own us. And that’s what hit my first sponsor. Not just him. Another man I knew, with ten years, at almost the same time had the same thing happen. He had a large resentment, he told me, and went back out and drank again, and he died almost right after he told me.
I began to learn what I was told. Had to learn to pray, ask for help, stop and be in charge of my own thinking. Not to let the negative emotions be in charge. Wasn’t easy and time took time. But it began to work and I am grateful.
So, each and everyday I wake up I am able to focus on staying sober a day at a time. I am grateful to my Higher Power, this program, and those within it, who have helped me to stay sober.