One of the hardest things I went through in the beginning in this program were people with time in here. I found most of them, back then, were distant. Helpful, but steps away from me. Puzzled me at first. And then I found out.
Later I was to discover a number of them cared about me, but knew that I needed help and not a lot of caring. That would come later. First they knew they had to help me get sober and stay sober. In the past they found out how dangerous it was for new people to acquire friendship with long term sober alcoholics. And the reason was that they found, when they had gotten close to a new man, they stopped being honest and frank. They didn’t want to hurt the person’s feelings and so they skipped over a lot of what helps us to learn to get sober and change.
I knew, back then, that when I wanted to just stand around and talk that they would finish their remarks and turn and walk away. Took me a while to finally find out what was going on. And by then I was already beginning to be grateful for their help. I had begun to learn what I needed to do. To make the changes I had heard. I had begun to listen. A real completely new way of dealing with their remarks and sharing.
My old sponsor was cool and distant at first for quite a while. But he knew exactly how to help me. I think his first statement was a real wake up call. That’s when he told me that I didn’t know that I didn’t know. I only thought I did. Somehow, when he made that remark I must have been awake within. It really struck and made sense. In fact he also said something I really needed to hear, because it stopped me from using my own thoughts. And that’s when he told me that I was educated beyond my intelligence. He knew the kind of education I had, and knew that I had to stop using it in here.
That’s when he told me I had to stop hanging around the fairly new people in here, and to begin to sit with old timers. Not easy at first. Especially because these people would greet me, but were not “close” at that time. Yet I did. I even went over to their houses with them after meetings back then. I knew their wives and children were always warm, but not those long term men. In time, the longer I was in here, this began to soften up. And then after a long while they began to grow open and close.
I have always been grateful and now know why they did what they did. I would thank them, if they were still here, but the best I can do is to hopefully be just like them. Somewhat. I still know that we have to be true to ourselves, if we want to help the new persons. I know I am here to help others to stay sober like myself and the other members in here. And that means being able to tell the truth they need to hear. And hopefully they will hear it and recognize how valuable this is and to put it into action.
Anyway, I had to stop and think about this. It all changed me and helped me to grow along the way I needed in order to stay sober a day at a time. It taught me and gave me the hope, the faith, and even the love I needed. Like I said, because of all of this I am different than I was, when I walked through these doors. I am sober, free and happy. Growing, hopefully along spiritual lines, and doing what is so necessary. I need to stop and say “Thank you” to my Higher Power, those old timers, and all those, who have helped me over time.