One of those things I have to remember is how difficult it was for me to put this program into action. That’s because of my thinking. Part of it was trying to grow honest. And another part was my difficulty in trying to understand. Of course that’s where my old sponsor understood me. I didn’t. But he did. And he would introduce me to things along the way, which opened me up to what I needed to do. I didn’t always remember it being a Step. But he did.
Of course something within me was still trying to control things. He knew that and knew how to get me to stop doing what I was doing. Later on, looking back, I began to understand that I had been moving along without being aware. The reason I was thinking about this, was because someone wanted to find a way to help someone, who was not working this program. Not always an easy thing to deal with.
That’s why I look back and admire, not only my old sponsor, but all those old timers, back then. They knew what to do with alcoholics like me. They understood that alcoholics have enormous egos and they knew that they had to cut these down to size. Not a permanent situation for our egos, but enough to open us up to what we needed to understand and do. I know that looking back I am grateful for their help in my life. It woke me up along the way and I began to grow.
I know from my own experience in working with others, that from time to time, I would run across those, who were not really willing to put these Steps into action and change. Overtime I had to let go. And that always led me back to the Serenity Prayer. I had to learn to get out of my own way. I had to stop letting my negative emotions run my life. I had to learn to pray and walk away and let go and let my Higher Power do for me what I could not do for myself.
Like my old sponsor told me a long time ago, that I didn’t know that I didn’t know. I only thought I did. And somehow I knew he was right. I had to learn to put my studies in the past aside, because they made me think I knew what I was doing. And I didn’t. I had to learn to simplify my thinking. I had to somehow begin to live a spiritual life. I think I have, but I never really think of myself as a spiritual person. I’m an alcoholic, who never wants to ever drink again. Yet I am always amazed at what has been given to me. And grateful.
Anyway I was thinking about this these past few days. Need to say thanks to my Higher Power and my old sponsor and other old timers, who helped me to begin to change. And to stay sober a day at a time. That was a wake up call, because I had been thinking I could stay sober forever. A good way of losing myself and possibly going back and drinking alcohol again. And I am grateful for all of those around me today, who continue to open my mind and give me what I need. Thanks.