One of the amazing things in this program is going both ways. What I mean is that while stepping back we’re still going forward. I know that many of us are growing in here, while striving to go into the state of humility.
AA literature will often address the same things in different ways, but the old timers taught us to continue to try to do those two things. In fact both things are based on the same directions.
The first thing I had to learn in here wasn’t easy for this overgrown ego of mine. Somehow, after my Higher Power relieved me of my drinking alcohol, I believed I had done that. I think it came on since my first sponsor was not totally in here. He had stopped drinking and never worked the next Ten Steps after the First. Instead he went from Step One to Step Twelve. That’s where he pulled me. And then, after ten years in sobriety, he had a huge resentment and went back out drinking again and died. It woke me up.
My second sponsor was almost an “old timer”. He took over and pointed out to me one of my huge weaknesses. He told me that I didn’t know that I didn’t know. I only thought I did. That was the wake up call I desperately needed, if I wanted to stay sober. And then he introduced me into what this alcoholic had failed to grasp. He opened the Second Step for me.
Finally I was back where I belonged. The spiritual way of life and my going back in contact with my Higher Power. I once again learned that I did not stop drinking alcohol on my own. The God of my understanding had freed me and saved my life. I now had to start trying to live a spiritual way of life, as well as to work these Steps in here. Another wake up call.
For a while, in working these Steps, I felt I knew what I was doing. I discovered, along the line, that I was not only growing and going in the right direction, but part of what I thought I knew I didn’t. I was going to have to change again. Somehow I thought I was in charge. I was not.
Through my sponsor and all these old timers I came to learn that I had been given gifts by my Higher Power and this program. What I had received, which gave me peace of heart and mind, as well as happiness, were gifts. I was not in charge. I was here to be of service to my Higher Power and all those who need this program. I was to learn to stay sober a day at a time, and to freely carry the message I had been freely given to those who need it. And that is what requires me to step back from my ego centered thinking and acquire what I still desperately need…humility.
Anyway I had to stop and think about this again. What I have to do again and again. I also know that I have to give thanks to the God of my understanding for all I have been given. I truly am grateful. I also need to express gratitude to all those in here, who have helped me, and to continue to practice what I have learned from them. And part of that is that I am not in charge. I’m here to take part in doing the will of my Higher Power and continuing to grow in faith, hope, and love. I am human and not a saint.