The old saying that idle minds are the devil’s plaything certainly seems to hold true for those of us, who are sober alcoholics. At least I can testify to the veracity of that. When I find myself in a funk or a rut, I, like a lot of us I know, pull back and want to be left alone to “think”. Five or ten minutes of that and I can find myself sinking into a cesspool of negative thinking.
How many of us have gone there and continued on to a drink? Many I know of have done this. When I contemplate on this, looking at it objectively, I can see how this can happen. I can remember many years back, when I sank down into a depression, I pulled back and wouldn’t talk to anyone. Thankfully my sponsor and a lot of the old timers intervened and didn’t allow me to stay in that position. They literally came into my home and that began a life saving process. I’m eternally grateful to these men. They brought grace into my life when I most needed it.
What makes me think that I can think my way through my problems. When has that happened successfully before? After all it was my thinking that led to my drinking and that kind of thinking is still available to me at any given time. How would I know that, if I am not talking to sober someone and checking it out? If I sit and am only checking it out with me, of course I’m going to tell myself that what I’m thinking is rational.
Abraham Lincoln said something to the effect that a person who has himself as a client has a fool for a lawyer. That’s the kind of “attorney”, who might lean over and whisper in your ear “Take a drink. It’s okay.”
Even our “prayers” can be irrational at this point. I remember a woman telling us how her thinking and prayers got her drunk. She said she had been sitting in her living room and her thinking was so negative that she began thinking about a drink. She said, as she arose from her chair, “Oh, God, don’t let me drink.” As she got in her car, she said the same prayer. She drove to the liquor store still praying. She ordered a case of beer, still praying. She got in her car and opened a can of beer, still praying. As she raised the beer to her lips, she said, “Oh, God, don’t let me drink.” And she drank the beer and got drunk again. I always remember her story. It was a sobering moment for me and all those who heard her.
My prayer is that I will always be willing to talk to someone and listen to their counsel. I want to stay sober and don’t want to listen to myself. I don’t care how long I’ve been sober. I always need the reminder of what it is that I need to do to remain sober. I’m not cured and there’s no graduation day in this program.