There was a time when rebellion seemed an asset and even a virtue. That’s in the history books and not in the life we are attempting to live today. In the 7th Step Bill talks about this.
I hear the words “reliance not defiance”, spoken occasionally in meetings. Reliance on a higher power and not inserting our self will and self reliance ahead of that. But that’s exactly what Bill is talking about, when he says that rebellion dogs our every step. This rebellion and self will is just the recipe for a drink.
Of course the answer to this is obvious, but not always welcome. The solution is humility. I know that was unwelcome news for myself in the process of getting sober. First of all, it was a total surprise for me, when I learned that the way to stop drinking and achieving a sober life was a spiritual way of life. A faith in and dependence on a higher power. Talk about a blow to ones ego. Next I saw the Steps themselves and was told that this was the process I would have to go through to make the necessary changes in my life, which opened the door to a sober life. And then came that word “humility”.
I thought that I came here to stop drinking. I didn’t think I was going to have to give up my way of thinking and living. And what was that way; my way? Self centeredness and egomania to the extreme. Selfishness. As I followed the suggestions of my sponsor and studied the suggestions in the BB, it became clear to me that my way would never work, if I wanted to stay sober. So did the spiritual illness I suffered from. It was revealed to me, step by step, what a self destructive life I had led for so many years, and how much damage I had wreaked on so many lives around me. I came to realize that self will was dagger in my heart.
So, as Bill points out, the first step in humility was my admission of being powerless over alcohol. But, as he said, that was just the beginning. I was going to have to acquire more of this humility, as I went on. If not, I was going to live a miserable life in sobriety and would probably end up drinking again. And what was the key to all of this? Humiliation. Humility by force.
I got a taste of this early on in my sobriety. Sitting in a crowded room at a meeting one night, I became the center of attention, when I was talking after I had been called on by the leader. Suddenly I was interuppted by an old timer at the end of the room. He shouted out, “Hey, you! Have you worked the Steps yet?” I know I froze and I could feel my face flush. I don’t know if I even was able to respond. Of course I hadn’t. Why was he yelling? I knew everything didn’t I?
“You know how to drink. We all know how to drink,” he went on. “But you don’t know how to stay sober and we do. Take the cotton out of your ears and stick it in your mouth and listen. You might learn something.” The baloon of my inflated ego had been punctured and the air came out.
I did learn something. While I was going through the shock of what had just occurred, in front of a room full of people, something happened. Instead of responding or fleeing from the room, something in my head said to me, “This is good for you.” Where that thought came from I don’t have a clue. All I know was that I stayed. It was my first taste of what Bill said. That it’s through repeated humiliations we begin to learn humility and that we can seek humility for its own sake, rather than through humiliation. In other words, to put our egos aside and seek and do the will of God. In other words, I think,to seek sobriety above all other things.
Ego deflation in depth. The discipline of surrender. I’m not there yet, but I think I’ll keep on trying. Sobriety is worth it. It has introduced me to peace of mind and serenity and a new happiness and a new freedom and so much more.