What do we do with things which haunt us? That was pretty much what our meeting was about today. Someone spoke about an old resentment, which would not go away.
The BB tells us that resentment is the number one offender of alcoholics. I would agree. I was plagued with these, when I came in. And, I was made aware that this was the cause of many of us going back out and drinking again. That put the fear of God in me, because I never wanted to drink again. That was the direct cause of my first sponsor going back out and it killed him.
It took me a few years in the program to come to grips with my resentments. Gradually I was able to face these and was, by the grace of my higher power and through the Steps, able to rid myself of their corrosive influence on me. That’s when I began working the 8th Step and then the 9th.
With the help of others, I was able to go back into my past and find the cause of all of these. In going back as far as memory would take me, I found that it all boiled down to me. I was the one who either initiated the problems or I caused my own discomfort with my feelings and my thinking. I can’t tell you how many times I was forced back into Steps 6&7. Over and over I would find myself at the boiling point and have to stop my inventory and go back. But the time came when I was able to proceed to the 9th. That’s when I found a sudden release from all this old anger and sometimes hatred. It just melted away.
I discovered that fear and pride blocked my way. I was afraid of what I would become, if I were to let go of these resentments. They had been with me so long, just like the booze, that I had become used to the discomfort they brought into my life. However, pride would not let me forgive and forget. No way was I going to admit I might have been wrong. But the Steps and not wanting to ever drink again forced me on.
Today, as I sat there listening to others, I was reminded of this whole process again. It’s about staying sober and living a sober life.