What a price alcoholics have to pay for their anger and resentments. It can mean going back to a drink and an alcoholic death. I’ve witnessed this over and over in the time I’ve been in the program. My first sponsor drank again over the long standing resentments he held. He died as a result of this. I never forgot that lesson.
My second sponsor pointed out the statement in the literature, which said that we are as powerless over our anger as we are our alcohol. That was something which was at first a puzzle to me. Here I was two years sober and barely able to hold my own. I hadn’t even gotten walking around sense at that point. What was I to do with all the anger and resentments I still had to deal with? I didn’t want to drink and I was afraid that this stuff would take me back out into the barooms I had barely left.
Again, my sponsor showed me the passage in the BB which told me that anger could cut me off from the sunlight of the spirit and that the insanity would return and I might drink again. But there it was, the solution right in those words. The sunlight of the spirit. I knew that somehow I had to find a way to place myself in that sunlight. Like I said, I didn’t want to drink again. And here I was with this hair trigger temper and a lot of anger stored up within.
Of course the answer was simple, if only I would stop complicating the program. I was going to have to learn how to give up all the arrogance which was built up within me over the years. Somehow I was going to have to learn to surrender my intellectual false pride, and listen to the wisdom of my sponsor and all the old timers, who were trying to help me.
That’s when, after suffering a bout of emotional and spiritual pain, I became willing to work the steps of this program. I became more aware of Steps 6 & 7 and the relief I could gain from practicing these. I know that I was forced to become more dependent on God for this relief from my anger and hostility. It was then that I was introduced to the story in the BB entitled Freedom From Bondage. The story of an alcoholic, suffering from anger and hate, who found a solution and a formula, which worked for her, as it did for me.
I know today that, when I get caught off guard, when I’m not aware, that this anger can and does return. It makes me physically ill. However, I learned in Step 10 to have an escape from this. The step says to me that, when I make a mistake, I should pause and think of how I could have handled the situation differently. It doesn’t say how I could have done it better, but how I could of done something differently. Just that thought of mentally putting myself back in the same situation and seeing myself doing it differently gives me at least an alternative for the next time I forget.
All in all, I have come to learn to try not being caught off guard. If, on any given day, I can remember to ask for help early on, I am more prepared to handle my encounters with others.
I am also reminded that I am supposed to practice these principles in all of my affairs. That thought keeps me aware and on track. I still am far from perfect. I’m still learning. I need all the help I can get.
I was thinking about this today and pray for that peace and serenity I have had the priviledge of living in this program, despite my obvious failings. My sobriety is too valuable to me to risk over a sudden burst of emotion. I am grateful to all those who have helped me with this along the way.