I like Fred’s story in the BB in More About Alcoholism. He says something which caught my eye today. He said that after his binge, which brought him to his bottom, “As soon as I regained my ability to think…”. That made me think. How many times in this program I lose my ability to think. It’s not my thinking. It’s my feelings, which are in control. I feel lousy so I think lousy thoughts.
But it’s what he says next. That he never thought when he ordered that first drink and what’s more he didn’t even think about fighting the thought of a drink. He simply felt that a drink would be nice. He said he thought that a cocktail would be nice. But notice how he was feeling. He was feeling good because of a successful day.
We feel good and we have good thoughts. We feel bad and we have negative thoughts. But it’s my experience that I can think whatever I want, despite my feelings. That doesn’t mean I always do, but I know I am able to. How many times I have been in the pits and stopped and started my day over. How many times I have gone to a meeting, feeling low, and been brought back to consciousness and left feeling better; thinking differently.
I was thinking about this today, because, when I am thinking, despite what I am feeling, I am fully aware and awake. I am conscious of what I am doing. When I slip into unconsciousness, overwhelmed by what I feel, I am in the same state that Fred was, when he took that drink. That doesn’t mean that I am going to drink. At least I hope I’m not, but I have been in the same position Fred was and nearly drank.
At that time I had no mental defense against that first drink. Nothing special was going on in my life at that time. I had been sober for a while and hadn’t thought about a drink in all that time. But, I was in the right place for a drink, and I had been lulled into more feeling than thinking. I remember that I felt it wasn’t right that others were drinking and I wasn’t. Before I knew it I was almost out of control. Only someone’s words woke me up and helped me do the right thing. Not to drink and to ask for help.
I became aware over time that the next time I might not have someone there to wake me up. It was a lesson I never want to forget. But that doesn’t mean I won’t. Only if I pay attention to what is the most important thing in my life on a daily basis is the answer. That doesn’t mean that I walk around fearing the next time. I don’t. I don’t have to or want to. I simply have to remember my primary purpose and do what is necessary to maintain that. Pray, ask for help, go to a meeting, try to help someone else, and try to practice these principles in all of my affairs, and not let how I feel get in my way.
How many times I have been asked to go on a 12th Step call and didn’t feel like it? But with the help of someone else I got past my feelings and went And felt differently and thought differently. And didn’t drink. How many times I have felt like not answering the phone. But did and felt differently and thought differently.
Anyway, I was thinking about my sobriety and realizing that it’s up to me to practice this program. No one can do for me what I have to do for myself. Learning to not let my feelings get in my way is something my sponsor helped me to practice over and over and over. He always insisted that I think with my head and not my heart. I’m glad I did and I am grateful for his guidance and help. I believe that he saved my life on many occassions by helping me stay sober.