A couple of people reminded me of what for me are forms of what could be my insanity. Anger and resentments.
In my experience we are all prone to these two stumbling blocks on our pathway to sobriety. They seem to be at the root of what cuts us off from the sunlight of the spirit. Resentments are the worst. The re-feeling of the original anger we had toward others. Over and over and over.
They can become and obsession, which can blind this alcoholic from spiritual growth in this program and actually threaten my staying sober. I can end up on a dry drunk and not hear what I need to hear to get rid of these mental images. Of course the answer is spiritual.
To me resentments are a form of self pity. Someone has done me wrong. They’ve picked on me. Poor me. Can someone feel sorry for me and join me in my problem?
Resentments are a form of justifiable anger, which the BB warns me against. They’re a form of an emotional storm, which I cannot afford. They take over my mind, my thinking. Sanity is gone and my thinking becomes absolutely unreasonable. What’s the answer?
For me it begins with the spiritual axiom in the 10th Step in the 12&12. That whenever I’m disturbed there’s something wrong with me. What’s wrong? Maybe I have to go back in time to where I started the ball rolling, which eventually led to anger and resentment. Maybe it started with someone else or some situation, which angered me to begin with. But whatever it is, I’m in the wrong place and need to share it with another alcoholic. A problem shared is a problem cut in half.
Prayer and meditation should follow. The return to sanity is when I stop fighting everyone and everything. That begins with my prayers for those I resent. The very ones I’m angry against. The formula put forth in Freedom From Bondage in the BB.
Anyway, after these talks today, I had to go back and review what has worked for me over the years. The question is always what do I want? To stay sober and live a sober life? Or do I want to give up and go back to where I came from? Like my sponsor always asked me: to what lengths was I willing to go to stay sober?
Length of time in this program does not make me immune from what someone said today, the Mr. Hyde in me. It’s still there under the surface. That old drunk, trying to seduce me back to that first drink.
With the help of my higher power, the Steps, the people in this program, there is a solution.