Kind of funny start to the day. I woke up in that in between stage, where I’m not awake, but not asleep. That strange kind of dream state. Not really dreaming, but not logical either. And what happened? There was a large resentment going past my “mind”, like a movie. That woke me up!
Still not completely awake, but struggling to rid myself of this “nightmare”, I began to seek ways to dump this thought from my mind. And no matter what I tried, the Serenity Prayer, asking my Higher Power for help, the resentment continued to grow. Finally in desperation I said the Lord’s Prayer and then practiced something I haven’t in a long time. Being hard on myself and easy on others.
That was absolutely amazing, because the resentment vanished before I even got out of bed. It was gone. All I had to do was get honest about myself. My own character. I didn’t even have to do a full inventory. Just had to glance at who and what I was and now am and not look at the other person, except to let them off the hook.
What I was looking at in myself were my “minuses”. I wasn’t interested in what might or might not be “pluses”. They held no value in this evaluation. And it didn’t take long. All I had to do was glance over this “inventory” of myself and I really was done. I know I’ve done this in the past, but it was quite a while ago.
What a surprise that was to seemingly reach through the clouds of my mind and come up with that BB recommendation. Something those old timers used to favor in dealing with anger and resentment. It was like it appeared from nowhere. And that thought gave me pause later on, when I thought about this incident again. And then it seemed clear to me. My prayers had been answered.
That’s where I was, when I found the answer to this dilemma I found myself in. I was asking for help and it came without my knowledge that it was right there in front of me. A practice I hadn’t thought of or used in a long time. To be hard on myself and easy on others. It reminded me of how this program has worked in my life. First came surrender and acceptance, then came hope, and then faith, and finally love. All this based on a foundation of perseverance in spite of everything. To never quit and always hang in. What I was taught by my sponsor and old timers and spiritual people I knew.
As I think about this at the moment, my mind goes back to the introduction of that Second Step into my life. The day and the time that followed, when my sponsor urged me to read the fourth chapter in the BB. It turned my life around. Broke down the resistance I had built up to the spiritual way of life. Changed everything. I look back at that Second Step often with a sense of caring and hope. It’s always there, even when I’m not thinking about it. Just an awareness.
Anyway this incident reminded me of why I’m still here. To practice these principles in all of my affairs. A definite reminder that the spiritual life is not a theory. We have to live it. It’s what my, our, sobriety is based on.