Had a number of thoughts today, caused by an equal number of things. One of them had to do with complacency. Another was something Bill W. wrote about our progress in our sobriety.
He said something about people he knew in here, with quite a bit of time, who hadn’t matured emotionally. People suffering from fear, worry, anxiety and other feelings. Made me stop and take a look at myself. I know that I’ve talked this over with alcoholics like myself, who have a lot of time.
One of the reasons this came up was, because of how I reacted after having someone step in and interrupt my morning meditation. I had deliberately separated myself from the rest of the household, in order not to have someone break into that moment of privacy. Didn’t work. My reaction was a moment of surprise, followed by a moment of anger. I didn’t react, but there was no doubt I was disturbed. That interruption set up a background for the rest of the day.
After I got home this afternoon I decided to separate again and go back to meditation and seek a moment of healing through my Higher Power. I know that’s the answer. Has been in the past and always worked. So there I was in a state of quiet, when all of a sudden, the same person stepped in and interrupted again. It wasn’t the same. In fact they seemed to be hesitant, whereas before they were angry. I guess it was because they wanted my help with something.
Anyway I responded and helped them and then went back again and slipped back into silence and contemplation. And it worked. I’m so grateful for that.
However it reminded me of what one spiritual writer has said about feelings and emotions and the healing, which can come from seeking help from our Higher Power. I should say mine, because he didn’t use those words. But it’s definitely the answer I know Bill was seeking. A spiritual solution. And one I have gone to over time.
I know it was something I saw those old timers and my sponsor seeking back after I came in. I was told to learn to think with my head and not my heart. Not to be influenced by my feelings and my emotions. I certainly took what they said seriously, because I was aware of how dangerous it was for me to allow these things to bring my defects into play. I definitely didn’t need that or want it.
But no matter how I have been able to change, every now and then one or more of my defects will pop up, as the result of some feeling or emotion. I’ve come to understand that it’s necessary to keep my attention on who and what I am. Not only human, but also an alcoholic. Something I never want to forget.
So, no matter how this day went, it was perfect for this alcoholic to be reminded. Made me pay attention to what I’m supposed to be doing. Practicing these principles in all of my affairs and seeking the spiritual solution. Using the Tenth and Eleventh Steps and hopefully the Twelfth today.