Not a surprise but the words of the Third Step prayer were on my mind today. Interesting that even though I say it everyday, sometimes I know I fail to follow for what I’m asking. For instance, that part of the prayer, where we ask that God will take away our difficulties so that His victory over them might prove to bear witness of His love, power, and way of life, to those people to whom I seek to be of service.
That thought was running through my mind last night before I went to sleep and came back to mind, as I said that prayer today. And though it was close to the front of my mind, I found myself slipping and sliding around that thought of being an example. I found myself tripping over myself and being anything but this kind of witness.
In fact I read something earlier, which seemed to encourage me to be a good example of the kind of life that I’m trying to live. It did get my attention and I thought about it. Yet for all of this I found, when push came to shove, I seemed to fall flat on my face. I lost my temper in a store with one of the service people and had to make amends for my attitude. And that led to my daughter, who was with me, to step in and get me to remove my presence. Ugh! And then it took me time to settle all of this with myself.
Before all of this went down, I was praying and trying to follow what I have learned in this program. And all it took was for this one store to have failed to follow through on a delivery date it promised a week ago. I must have been unconscious of something I had failed to look at in the beginning of the day. And when the moment was right my temper went off like a fire cracker.
Most of the time I know that I try to remind myself to be “aware” of what is going on. To be prepared not to get caught up in something and avoid letting my feelings take over. And though I was telling myself to stay on top of what was going on, I missed seeing it. I know that whenever I’m disturbed there is something wrong with me. And when it happened it almost hit me in the face that I was off base and should not have opened my mouth.
After all of that I kept my mouth shut for quite a while. Took a little time for me to get back on track again and be kind and caring for those around me. But I did and am grateful for the lesson I hope I learned this day. I realize that I’m way far from perfect, and even though I believe this, I still can surprise myself. I can be caught unaware of where I am and what’s really going on. Today proved it once again.
My guess is that none of this, if I made an announcement of this would seem of any importance to anyone else but me. Not such a big deal someone would probably tell me. And it probably isn’t. I mean, who do I think I am and why should I have such “big” expectations of myself? Truth is that I shouldn’t. But I think the point is for me that I do need to pay attention to what I’m trying to do. To remember what it is I’m praying for and seeking to do. The spiritual life is not a theory. Like it says in the BB, we have to live it.
Anyway, just taking time out to think about this way of life. My sobriety.