One thing I know, which has become apparent over time, is how little control I have over what goes on around me and in my life. That was the subject of the meeting today.
Of course the leader of the meeting threw in what it was like and what it’s like now into the conversation. I think both were on the same track. Our emotions out of control and the solution to them, the Twelve Steps and the rest of this program.
I think I first realized that I had lost control of everything when I couldn’t stop drinking. In fact, when I came into the program is when I first realized that my will power over alcohol was gone. I think that was the first wake up call for me. However it was to take time in here to really wake me up to the facts of life. My character defects were in full control of me back then. I wasn’t in control but I just didn’t know that. It was going to take my sponsor and the old timers, the BB, and the practice of these Steps to open my eyes.
I guess the thing which first got my attention was what happened to my first sponsor, who drank again over a resentment and died. The effect of ones emotions. Anger, rage, and alcohol. Just like the BB told me. That I could be cut off from the sunlight of the spirit and be put at risk for taking a drink and facing the consequences for someone like me. Death.
I had to look at why I came here. To stop drinking and getting sober. I knew I never ever wanted to go back to drinking alcohol. I was totally desperate and as a result I surrendered to my being powerless and my need to do something about it. I had hit bottom and was in a great enough pain to listen as only the dying could listen. My problem was that alcohol and my lifestyle had clouded my brain and my ears. I was going to have to learn how to live probably for the first time in my life. I was still a child. I needed to grow up.
The first thing my second sponsor told me was that I didn’t know that I didn’t know. I only thought I did. My critical attitude, accompanied by my emotions, kept telling me that the people in here did not know anything. I was going to have to learn to stop dragging into the rooms all that I thought I knew. Slowly but surely over time I began to discard my prejudgments of others and to open my mind and my ears and to listen. Not an overnight event.
That didn’t mean I didn’t try to put these Steps into action. I did. It was just that the results took a long time to come into fruition. I had so many things I had dragged in with me interfering. Like the sign said “Time takes time”. No kidding. Besides I discovered I was going to have to deal with my feelings and to find they were what was controlling my thoughts.
Of course that’s when I heard my sponsor tell me that I had to stop thinking with my heart (my feelings and emotions) and to allow my mind to be in control of what I thought and did. Placing my intellect over my emotions. Not an easy task, but do-able, if I was willing to do it. And eventually desperation drove me to follow directions. I discovered that I was not in control, but anger, fear, anxiety, resentments, etc., would drive me into thinking I was in charge or that I needed to be. And that’s exactly what got me to start dealing with how to grow up emotionally.
Besides I wanted to stay sober and was now willing to go to any lengths. I became willing to attend meetings regularly and listen. To share whenever I could. I took up the responsibility to help another alcoholic. I grew in the area of practicing these principles in all of my affairs. I learned that the spiritual life was not a theory and that I was going to have to put my energy into working it. I say all of this and am fully aware that I don’t even come close to working this program perfectly. But I do know that I try to do the best I can on a daily basis.
As I sit here thinking about all of this I remember what my sponsor said way back then. That I didn’t know that I didn’t know. I only thought I did. I still have so much to learn. But there’s no graduation from this program. I have an incurable disease. It will always be with me. I know that if I’m willing to work this program a day at a time I still have time to do what’s necessary. I’m grateful for that.