Two seemingly “opposites” were the subject today. Fear and gratitude. Fear especially was brought out by a lot of people at various times in their sobriety.
I know, like so many, especially early on I had a number of fears inside of me. However I was fearful enough to share these with my sponsor. He went out of his way to help me deal with these. I know I’m grateful for what he did. But, of course, that wasn’t the end of these.
One of these near the beginning was fear of dying. I told my sponsor and he gave me an exercise, which was related to the Second Step. My turning it over to my Higher Power. I guess I was so consumed by this fear that I probably had no other thoughts in my head. Amazingly that fear was gone in an extremely short time. Why this is so important to me was that I came down with two deadly illnesses. Actually one was an internal hemorrhage caused by my alcoholism they couldn’t deal with in the hospital. The amazing thing was that in both instances I had no fear at all. I went to sleep and slept like a baby during the hemorrhage, which the doctor told me I’d either stop bleeding or I wouldn’t. I must have because that was ages ago.
That’s where gratitude came into my consciousness when it came to fear. I know that gratitude for me is like it is for so many an action word. Often times I will not be feeling gratitude, but will act it out because I know that’s what is so often necessary. Everyday I can I act in gratitude. It’s when I go to meetings. I know I go to meetings to act in compassion for others. To share with the person who is suffering. Doesn’t matter how it works out. I often have to use the Serenity Prayer to remind myself just how powerless I am over others. So, I do the best I can and have to let it go at that. I know that I’m just there to be of service when and wherever I can.
And, of course, I’m a beneficiary of others compassion and willingness to give and share. I can never forget that and am grateful for that. And everyday is a day I know I must give thanks for all I have been given.
What I have learned in here, when it comes to fear and other emotions is the role spirituality plays in all of this. The Second Step and my introduction to this way of life. The part my hope and faith play in all of this. Hoping to get better and as I do the faith that grows from all of that. My increased dependency on my Higher Power. How things improve for me, as I give up my desire to control the uncontrollable. As I learn more about my being powerless over people, places, and things.
That’s where I have learned to be aware of emotions beginning to rumble and going immediately to my Higher Power and turning them over. Over time there is the beginning of healing of these. Something which can only be achieved by spirituality. Makes me grateful and that reinforces that which I have learned to do.
Anyway, when I got home I knew that at some point I needed to sit and meditate on these two subjects. Part of my learning constantly how to stay sober. Need to just say thanks.