One of the things, which is hard for me to ignore, is change. To me that was one of the hopes I had and probably one of the resistances also. I was thinking about this today, because change is so essential to staying sober. I know, if I had remained the same, I probably would have gotten drunk again.
When I came in here I didn’t want to do anything except never drink again. The concept of sobriety wasn’t on my mind. I had no idea what this program was all about, except that people in here were sober and not drinking. That’s all I wanted. Changing was out of the question, as far as I was concerned. Especially spiritually.
As time went on I made some changes. At my sponsor’s urging I did at least begin the spiritual life, which I had resisted because I never wanted to become a saint or a little goody two shoes, as they used to say. But the warning that, if I didn’t begin a spiritual life, I’d probably drink again and die. So, I began to at least begin to believe in a Higher Power and ask for help I needed. I really wasn’t aware of just how much help I needed. That only came with time.
However I had begun to work the Steps because I found myself suffering a lot of pain. Guilt and remorse were beginning to take me down and I had to become open to working the Fourth and Fifth Steps. But that meant I had to also do the Third. And that created more problems because of my ego centered thinking. I found myself stupidly intellectualizing. However a very simple thought, not my own, opened the door in the Third for me and I was able to move on. I was shown that the God of my understanding’s will for me was the rest of the Steps.
What did become more clear, as time went on, was how right my sponsor was, when he told me that I didn’t know that I didn’t know. He was so right, when he told me that I only thought I knew. He had begun to break down the mental judgments I had made. It began to make me aware of how desperately I needed to change. The risks I was taking with the possibility of missing the essentials to my recovery began to come clear.
I know I stumbled all over the place, as I was trying to do the Steps, while avoiding honesty. I really didn’t want to look at myself and what was wrong with me. But the longer I was in I found I couldn’t avoid becoming open and doing what was necessary to achieve a spiritual awakening. I think by the time I began the Eighth and Ninth Steps it was slowly becoming clear to me. Especially in the Eighth, when I could see the resentments in my life for what they were and the damage my anger was doing. That took me to prayer and asking for help.
Anyway, I was thinking about what had so much influence on my sobriety today and I began to think about honesty and how I got that. It was the process of changing that came up. How painful that was began to come clear. It took time. A lot of time for me.
There are moments, when my defects will pop up and I will find myself within arguing with myself, trying to control what I know I need to let go of and ask my Higher Power for the help I need. I still need to change. I always will because I still have that mind of an alcoholic. My disease. Not as bad as it once was.
Enough for now. I’m just grateful that I’m sober today.