I think one of the hardest things in here, as far as I can see, is how non spiritual I can feel from time to time. I was going through the Eleventh Step in the 12&12 last night and was struck by quite a bit. And one of those was talking about prayer and meditation. I’m never sure of how I really am with these.
That’s always something, which rumbles inside of me. That’s because early on in life I wanted to become a priest, a minister of some sort. And as I grew up it increased until I finally entered the minor and major seminary. But alcoholism was right under the surface. Didn’t know that, because I was rarely ever drinking. I had gotten very drunk for the first time just before I entered the seminary. And after that I wasn’t all that interested. And that strikes me, when I look back, because I now realize that I was living a spiritual life.
And then I ran into a difficulty with my faith. I never asked for help. I realize now that it was part of what my sponsor told me that I didn’t know. I only thought I did. So I left the seminary on a drunk. And I drank and drank the rest of my life. I began to lose control. I got married and we had three children. And the drinking increased until it was almost all day and night. And that’s when I was driven into despair and became suicidal. And that’s because I wanted to stop drinking, but couldn’t.
Finally I got sober, because I prayed for the first time in years. Someone had given me hope and it changed me and led to my begging God to help me and stop me from drinking and living the life I was living. And that was the end of me drinking. I haven’t had a drink since and am so grateful. But once in a while I read that line in the Ninth Step in the BB, which says that spiritual life is not a theory. We have to live it.
Anyway, that’s where my mind has been most of the day. Another day, which I’m living sober. Just a day at a time. I always begin with prayer, and often slide into silent, thoughtless meditation. And like now, I end up writing thoughts like this, which help me to concentrate on spirituality and gratification.
Still I ask questions.