One of my greatest problems, when I came into this program, was the conviction within that I knew all there was to know to live this way of life. I had based this, I thought, on my education in theology, philosophy, and psychology. Plus the fact I had this great ego, which told me that I was in charge. And that got me into a lot of difficulty in absorbing anything in this program.
What I had to learn in here was to step back and get an open mind. What I learned was to get out of my own way, stop thinking I know it all, and learn to empty my mind out, and then listen to what I needed to learn. Not an easy task for a self centered, egotistical, alcoholic, whose emotions taught him to devote himself to paranoia. That everyone was talking about him.
When I look back I always need to be grateful for those old timers in here, who were willing to knock me over and deflate my ego. Those who told me to “SHUT UP! You know how to drink, but you know nothing about staying sober. You need to get the cotton out of your ears, stick it in your mouth, and listen.” That was a start for me. The other was my old sponsor who told me that I was educated beyond my intelligence. I didn’t know that I didn’t know. I only thought I did.
These “wake up” calls were what helped me to begin to realize why meetings were so important to me. I needed to learn to come in, sit down, clear my head out, and begin to listen and learn. Took a while to wake me up and begin to do what I needed to do. Like we’re told in here, Time Takes Time. A lot of time. I had to struggle to pay attention. I had to learn to be willing to open up and share and ask a question after a meeting from my sponsor. And I had to learn to pay attention and learn. To open up my mind. Again, not easy.
And I always go back and remember how important it was for me to learn to put my thoughts aside and read…no, not read…to study the BB. And I was told, that when I got to that Fourth Chapter, I was to slow down and pay real attention. That was the Second Step, the one which opened up the chance to learn what it was I needed to do. It was the beginning after the First Step to the rest of this program. The spiritual life we need to learn to live and the introduction to a Higher Power we need.
Anyway I found that these meetings for me were so important. I know that they helped me to open my mind and clear out the junk in there. Then to be able to take in what I was hearing and begin to learn what this program is about and what I need to do to put it into action in my life. Again not a quick result. I had to learn patience, which was not in my character. And the other thing, so important to me, was, when I was covered with junk I had picked up in my mind and my feelings, I had to learn to go in and sit and listen. As the meetings went on I would find myself softening up. And by the end of these meetings I would be relaxed and had a new refreshing feeling about myself and everything around me.
Once again I had to stop and remember why I am here. To stay sober this day. Focused on the now. I am grateful for what I have been given and owe my thanks to my Higher Power, this program, and all those within, who have helped me along the way.