Before I fell asleep last night, I read a passage from Anthony de Mello. I do that most nights. I read from him and Bill W. Occasionally I read stories from the first edition of the BB. Then I fall asleep. When I awake, I think back and wonder if I’ve learned anything.
Why do I do this? Good question. I guess I’m hoping to find another clue on how to stay sober and grow along spiritual lines. But that passage I read last night made me wonder. I fell asleep thinking about what he said. I awoke this morning still thinking about it. It made me think about all I’ve gone through in the years since I came to the program. All I’ve done and all I have tried to avoid doing. It made me think of the Serenity Prayer; the wisdom to know the difference.
He said that when a neurotic comes and asks for help, don’t believe them. They don’t want help they want comfort. They want a healing, a miracle, because they don’t want to go through the pain. I was uncomfortable. How did he know that I was going to read that passage? Might have explained some of my drinking.
Then I thought back to my sponsor and others, who insisted that I develop a thicker skin. They wanted me to get tough, because they were always hitting me with the unvarnished truth. Truth that I had tried to avoid. They gave no sympathy. They certainly proved the paradox that we have to suffer in order to get well. But they accomplished what they had set out to do. They helped me get sober and stay that way.
Last night was just a reminder that there’s always more to do. I haven’t learned everything and I’m sure I never will. But it also told me that I’m not to quit or rest on what I have learned so far. If I want to stay sober, the steps have to be continually put into practice. No matter how imperfectly I apply them to my life, it’s a matter of just doing it. It hasn’t always been easy, but it has always been do-able.
It was also a reminder of what the problem always has been. It’s me. I’m always in my way. I think of it as a rock in the stream. The water will always win. Sooner or later it will wear the rock down. AA and the sober life, along with my higher power, will continue to polish me down. But, if I truly want to stay sober, I will stick with it. That’s my prayer for the day.