One of the things I can see lacking in my life is what the BB said we lacked. Discipline.
Talk about that my life had become unmanageable. Lacking discipline is right at the root cause. That’s because growing up, I never grew up. I was emotionally immature, when I came to this program. Adult chronologically, but hardly an adult. It was the result of getting sober, practicing what I learned in this program, and having a spiritual awakening, which got me closer to achieving some maturity. More of an adult than I was before.
Going back to my “growing up”, I never learned obedience. I learned how to comply. To look like I was cooperating, while in truth I was in revolt. How I made it through some experiences I will never know. Places where discipline was absolute, like the military. But I think they knew, as did some other institutions I attended.
Why I was thinking about this, lack of discipline, is because of some things I heard, which reminded me of me. People having trouble with prayer and meditation for instance.
I could give the excuse that it’s my way of thinking. In a sense it is. It seems to go back to how I was thinking, when I came in. I came here not to ever drink again. I wanted the help the program offered. But it really stopped right there. Not drinking. I didn’t want a spiritual solution. I didn’t come here “to be good”. However I found out that the lack of a spiritual life could and would lead to an alcoholic death. So, I threw up my hands and agreed. Yes, I’ll try it your way.
Little by little surrender has come over and over over time. Each day I stay sober I find things I have to give up and surrender. But self discipline is still a slippery thing for me. Something within says “I don’t want to”. Yet I know that I have to. The rebel without a cause sits just under the surface.
But that’s just where my higher power steps in and I get a little more restoration to sanity. Someone comes up and says “can I talk to you” or “could you help me”. Even strangers. Always puzzles me, but what can I do?
Anyway I was thinking and talking about this today. Probably a good thing I did. Wakes me up.