I was thinking that the subject of staying sober in the meeting today might well be started with the words, “Ooops! I forgot.” Meaning to me, that I might not be paying attention.
That’s because there was a time, when I wasn’t. And what happened? That was the night I almost drank again. That was the night, when the words in the BB, that there might come a time, when I would have no mental defense against the next drink, and that the only one who could help me would be the God of my understanding. And that came true for me.
I can still see the place this happened and can remember what I was thinking. First of all, I had no thought of a drink. None. Next thing I knew I was in a rage to get a drink. I told myself that if anyone got in the way I would kill them. The next thing I knew was that someone told me to step outside and say a prayer. I hadn’t even thought about that, but I did. The prayer worked and I asked God to never let that happen again. It scared me to death. I almost drank.
That was many years ago, but the memory is still there. And the truth of that statement at the end of that chapter More About Alcoholism is a fact, as far as I’m concerned. This is what came to my mind, as we talked about staying sober. And the words in the BB telling us that the price of our sobriety is eternal vigilance is also true. It’s up to me to pay attention a day at a time.
However, one of my shortcomings is that I have a mind, which tends to flit all over the place. I can forget so easily. And that’s why meetings are so important to this alcoholic. I need to go there and be reminded about what I forgot. And paying attention, not in fear or panic, but to maintain a healthy attitude, as far as alcohol is concerned.
And another thing I need to remember, when it comes to this, is that even though the thought of a drink is usually not present, unless I’m at meetings or reading the AA literature, deep down inside of me, unconsciously the drink is still there waiting for me. Additionally I know I have been told that my alcoholism is progressive. Even though I’m not drinking, it progresses right along with me. If I were to pick up a drink again, it wouldn’t be at the same place I was at, when I stopped drinking. Instead it would affect me like I had been drinking all along. And that would be a killer.
I remember the story of the man in the BB, who had stopped drinking for 25 years. When he started again, he couldn’t stop and he was dead in 4 years. That line, once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic is also true.
Anyway, this is what I was thinking at the meeting and even afterward. How I need the intention and willingness to remain attentive to the fact that alcohol is still waiting for me and my alcoholism wants me to drink again. I don’t want to, but there it is.
Then, in remembering all of this, I have to express my gratitude to my higher power, who stopped that overpowering thought back then. And to also thank God for continuing to keep me sober in spite of my shortcomings. To remember that I need to go to meetings and hear what my forgetful mind needs to be reminded of the need to stay sober and pay attention and stay in contact with my higher power. I proved that statement, “You never know…”.