One of my stumbling blocks in this sober life is my ego. No matter what I think, it keeps getting in my way. As one man once said, I’m all I think about. Another tells me that it used to be all about him. Now it’s almost all about him.
The reason I was thinking about this, a man brought up a topic today about his “terminal uniqueness”. He said he wants to stay sober and yet has a hard time staying away from a drink, because he thinks there is something different about himself. Different than others in the room.
That word “terminal” brings up the thought of what that next drink could do to him, as well as myself and so many others. I always think to myself that I should have been dead at 42, when I came in. Alcohol had driven me to the point of near suicide I was in so much despair, because I couldn’t stop drinking.
That word “terminal” and “uniqueness” sure fit me back then. I thought I was smarter than all these men and women. Especially when it came to the 2nd Step. I didn’t need to read We Agnostics. I knew all about that stuff. That was until my sponsor told me that my problem was that I didn’t know that I didn’t know. I only thought I did. Boy, was he right.
My first thought, when he spoke about this, was, whatever happened to humility. That’s exactly what that 2nd Step did for me, when I finally was able to surrender. I came to believe that there was something bigger and more powerful than me. A higher power, who could empower me to live this way of life. Finally, a God of my understanding. At last I knew what it was that got me sober and keeps me sober. It’s not me.
The other thing is that I had to open myself up and get close to others. I identified with them. I identify with the BB. Everything written on those pages. I identify with all the stories in the BB and what I have heard in here and on all those tapes and discs from speakers from all over. I came to believe that I cannot stay sober by myself. My sponsor showed me that by his example and what he said to me. So did those old timers I knew back then.
The example of Dr. Bob and Bill are still in my mind. Especially what Dr. Bob wrote about humility and his example. What Bill wrote about humility in the 7th Step in the 12&12. He tells us that there is not much hope for us without it. That when we run into adversity there won’t be much faith to helps us in an emergency.
I read an article of Dr. Bob’s and then Harry Emerson Fosdick and Dr. Harry Tiebout on the matter of humility and know how risky pride and an inflated ego is for someone like me. Truth is, I wouldn’t have to read any of these men, because I know how I’m able to be blinded by my self centered thinking. And how much I need to continue to work these Steps in my life and rely on the men and women in these meetings and the God of my understanding.
Finally I thought about what my sponsor asked me early on. To what lengths was I willing to go to stay sober? I had to be willing to go all the way. It took time, but by the grace of God I’m still here, despite what I thought was my uniqueness. I’m still imperfect and have a long way to go. My experience has shown me that. But I know that each day I wake up I have another chance to try to do better. I can only hope my friend can do the same.