Tonight we read the 9th Step from the 12&12 and shared our experiences and hopes. Earlier today at a meeting we talked about the 10th Step. Kind of reverse order, but these are powerful Steps for me. It was just at the end of the 9th that just like the BB stated I had a spiritual awakening. I discovered I had stopped fighting everyone and everything and I was restored to sanity. That sanity, which placed me in a position of neutrality, as far as alcohol is concerned.
But what came to mind today for me was the spiritual axiom in the 10th. That part that said, whenever we’re disturbed there is something wrong with us. That’s what always comes to mind, when I think about this Step, which is quite often.
When I first read the spiritual axiom in that Step I thought “What a crock!” At that time I was always convinced it’s someone elses fault. It was never mine. But time and experience and working these Steps, plus following the suggestions and experience of my sponsor, my mind changed. Today, whenever this comes up, I know who is wrong most of the time. It’s me.
How did I learn this? I found it out by talking to other alcoholics, who once felt the same way I did. They really showed me how to stop kidding myself and how to get honest and face reality. To stop conning myself and giving myself excuses. Not an easy job, but do-able.
I had to laugh today, when one man said that he didn’t have to worry about taking a 10th Step, that his wife did it for him. It wouldn’t have been so funny, if it wasn’t a fact so many of us seemed to have faced over time. Not just a spouse, but there are others, who are more than willing to do that for someone like me.
And there is the excuse to be disturbed and to not think I have a part.
One of the things in examining my part is to rid myself of my emotions. The tendency to anger and resentment. To use my head and not my heart. To be able to clearly look at my part. To take a deep breath and step back. Often it becomes clear, when I share it with another sober alcoholic, who, if he is willing and understands, can show me exactly where I am wrong.
Sharing my 10th Step often clears my head and allows me to be objective and stop playing games with myself. And asking for help from my higher power in this matter helps me lower my defenses, which want to “protect” me from others. In other words to stop the blame game.
Anyway, just sitting and thinking about the 10th.