Often, when I think about this next thought, I find it hard to put into words. It’s about those moments, which happen to people trying to live a spiritual life, when the God of my understanding seems to have left someone like me and gone to the other side of the world.
The reason I was thinking about this was, when I was thinking about my Higher Power, I had this thought that I frequently am unaware of His presence in my life. When I stop and think about feeling abandoned by Him, how often I abandon Him. Forget to even think about Him.
One of the fortunate periods of my sobriety was that there was a time, when I was introduced to a spiritual director. This person opened the door to a way of life, which led me to where I am today. And one of the things I learned from them was that most people, who are searching for a spiritual life will find that there are going to be moments, when we will enter into periods of “darkness”, when we will feel alone.
I learned from this person and another spiritual man that in these moments I’m to stay calm and practice faith in my Higher Power, even, when I feel I’m walking alone. I’ve read about these moments, which one spiritual writer said that it’s like being in the desert. No clear roads or paths, but to keep moving ahead in spite of that.
Of course I know I could look back and see the “green oasis” behind me, where I was before. But I was told to not to go back there, but to keep going forward. Not to lose hope. And like I said, to maintain a faith, a belief in the God of my understanding.
The bottom line is that my Higher Power is always there. I just don’t feel that He is at the time. It’s not a test, as far as I know. It just is. And I know the temptation is to give up hope, to lose faith, and to stop coming to meetings. I learned that was the last thing I needed to do. To keep coming back and continue to do what I learned in here. It works. I know that from my own experiences and from those, who told me they had similar experiences.
My sobriety is based on the maintenance of my spiritual condition. I’m not always sure of what that is or that I actually am fulfilling this requirement. What I do know is that a day at a time I try. Trying to practice these spiritual principles in all of my affairs is one way. No matter how imperfectly. I’ll never be perfect in anything. And one of them is to go to meetings regularly, where I have a chance to be reminded of what it is I need to do in order to stay sober. No matter how I feel or what I’m thinking.
One thing is I try to remember, when I think I know, that I was told I didn’t know. I only thought I did. May sound dumb, but my experience has shown me that often, when I think I may know what I’m doing, it’s a good thing to check it out with a sober member. One of my problems was that I always figured I knew everything. I was glad that there were sober people around, when I found out just how wrong I was.
Anyway, I was thinking about this today, as I looked around the room and heard some of them talk about the words depression and fear. No matter how we feel or think, as long as we hang in there, it will change. Nothing happens over night. And like they say, time takes time.